For me, being silenced is worse than being yelled at or not being listened to. It’s a complete invalidation of my voice, of my right to speak on behalf of myself. Silencing says, You don’t matter. Your ideas don’t matter.
Two weeks ago, I sat in my endocrinologist’s office and waited … and waited … and … waited. I had an 8:45am appointment. He entered the room at 9:25am, more than 30 minutes late.
Then he rustled through my latest labs, which showed a worrisome increase in thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH). Despite my efforts to lower my TSH through an autoimmune diet, exercise, meditation, and supplements, I came to that appointment with a hard conclusion: Starting medication would be the kindest thing I could do for my body.
Twice during this appointment, my endocrinologist raised his voice at me. The first time, it happened when I named my ideal TSH level.
I chose this level after researching blogs, books, and studies about Hashimoto’s, hypothyroidism, pregnancy, and miscarriage. The doctor made it clear he did not care how I had arrived at this number I chose. He invalidated my knowledge, which I came by honestly and with professional expertise.
When I heard the sharpness in his voice, I felt tears welling, but I breathed. I remembered the metta prayer. I placed my right hand on my heart, so that I would remain calm and unemotional, given how gender bias negatively impacts the way male doctors may relate to female patients. (How dare I speak at all … )
The second time he spoke sharply was when our conversation veered toward medications. I expressed my discomfort in taking medications that contain gluten, sugar, or lactose. The most popular thyroid medications contain at least one of these ingredients. I asked my doctor to confirm that the prescription he was writing would respect the boundaries I needed to set.
“I don’t have time to answer your questions,” he replied, his voice rising again. He may as well have said, Shut up. Because that’s the silencing implication of his words, which he spoke at a volume I perceived as disrespectful.
For me, being silenced is worse than being yelled at or not being listened to. It’s a complete invalidation of my voice, of my right to speak on behalf of myself. Silencing says, You don’t matter. Your ideas don’t matter.
Later, I looked up the medication’s ingredients myself. (In less than two minutes and without an MD, I found them on the manufacturer’s web site.)
The next morning, I called my endocrinologist’s office because I needed to address the silencing. I needed to say silencing is an unacceptable communication tactic, as far as I’m concerned. I needed to know it wouldn’t happen again.
So I said I felt frustrated by my appointment. I said I felt disrespected by my doctor. I said my previous experiences with him had been positive, and that his behavior seemed out-of-character. I asked for assurance that I could trust him to be attentive and respectful at future appointments. The woman with whom I spoke said she would pass this information along to the office manager, who would call me back.
I’m still waiting for that call back.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by further silence, but I am. I’m surprised because I tend to expect the best in people. I’m disappointed, too. I’m also angry.
Even as I write this, I feel my heart clenching, my throat tightening. I want to scream, just so I will be listened to. Just so I will be heard. That was all I wanted from my endocrinologist that morning. A little understanding.
But I also know I’m extraordinarily lucky. Because I had a mother who taught me my voice mattered. She taught me to be skeptical of physicians, to do my own research, to ask my questions, and to fight for respect if it was denied.
My mother became a patient advocate after her experimental organ transplant in 1994, at a time when the field was still relatively new. Her own experiences taught her that advocacy is what all patients need in a healthcare system that, at its most broken, can be deeply dehumanizing, especially to women.
The worst part of navigating an autoimmune disease isn’t doctors who behave badly. It’s not having my mother beside me. It’s having to go alone to doctor’s appointments when I feel anxious and scared.
But the best part is learning to see myself as powerful, even in situations when a doctor’s behaviors intend to deny me power. My mother taught me to get back up when I felt knocked down, to keep going. She taught me I deserved kindness and respect. She taught me not to accept anything less, especially from men.
I don’t know if I’ll continue seeing this endocrinologist. There are many, many endocrinologists in the sea, and I’m resolved to find one who can handle a patient like me, a patient who does her own research and who speaks for herself. That’s the only kind of doctor who deserves my money, trust, and time.
Last week, I went to my first appointment with a functional medicine physician. We sipped tea in his office, and he listened. He showed me a chart with all possible medications and their ingredients. He ordered much more detailed tests than my endocrinologist has ever asked for. He told me he has “a passion” for Hashimoto’s because his wife and daughters have the same disease.
I felt comfortable telling him how I dreamed of my mother the night before our appointment. I shared that, in my dream, my mother was on the phone with my endocrinologist. She was shouting at him to order a very specific endocrine test, unrelated to thyroid disorders. I told him the test she requested was now on his new lab order. He just smiled.
I don’t know what will happen next, or what my future tests will reveal. But for the first time in a year, I am not afraid of the unknown. I feel understood. I feel heard. I feel safe.
Magin LaSov Gregg lives, writes, and teaches in Frederick, Maryland. Her writing has appeared or is forthcoming in The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The Rumpus, River Teeth’s Beautiful Things, Pithead Chapel, Hippocampus Magazine, and The Bellingham Review. She blogs at www.maginlasovgregg.com and tweets @maginlasovgregg.
This originally appeared on Yet It Will Come. Republished here with permission.
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