Culture + Politics

Ten Things Every Man Should Know Or Do By 30

By Hugo Schwyzer

May 01, 2012

In response to a 1997 Glamour magazine article "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30" currently making its way around the social media circuit, Hugo Schwyzer offers his list for men of the same age.

We’re a nation of list-makers. Or, more accurately, we’re a nation of list-readers and list-debaters. No kind of list starts more argument than the ones that focus on shoulds and shouldn’ts of modern living, particularly those that delineate what one ought to have achieved or mastered by a certain age. The latest example came just this past week, when Huffington Post reprinted a 15 year-old Glamour magazine article about “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By the Time She’s 30.” Heated discussion erupted across social media, with several writers, like the F Word’s Meghan Murphy, offering their own counter-lists.

A little searching reveals that plenty of similar lists exist for men as well. One of the most famous comes from Robert Heinlein’s 1973 science-fiction novel, Time Enough for Love. The protagonist Lazarus Long opines that a man ought to be able “to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.” “Specialization,” Long concludes, “is for insects."

Heinlein isn’t the only one tallying up the essentials of masculine competence. Men’s magazines frequently offer similar lists. One of my favorites comes from the traditionalist Catholic journal First Things. In 2010, editor Joe Carter offered up 50 Things a Man Should Be Able to Do. Carter’s enumeration included the sensible: “wash a load of white clothes without turning everything pink;” “recognize when you are boring someone to tears with your inane banter”—and the more narrowly conservative: “differentiate between love and lust—and avoid the latter.” (Actually, Joe, for quite a few of us love and lust aren’t irreconcilables.)

We live in a culture that undersells men’s capacity for self-reflection, for self-restraint, and for self-care. In that spirit, here are my Ten Things a Man Should Know or Be Able to Do by the Time He’s 30.

1. Know the difference between genuine dissatisfaction and the fleeting desire for novelty. That’s important when it comes to deciding when to leave a career—and when to leave a relationship. Restlessness isn’t a virtue, but the refusal to stay stuck is.

2. Differentiate between love and lust. Both are important, and long-term romantic relationships need both to thrive. Too often, men and women alike imagine that they can settle for a relationship that only offers one.

3. Learn how to dress up—and how to dress down. Some lists are silly, suggesting that “real men” own their own tuxedos. That smacks of privilege. The point is that you should know how—within the budget you have—to dress for job interviews, funerals, and first dates without needing to ask your mother, your sister, or your ex-girlfriend for help.

4. Acknowledge your male privilege. Whatever your race or economic background, you’re safer from rape, sexual assault, and harassment than women. People will defer to you just because you’re a man, not because of any special merit. Your job is not only to do what you can to renounce those privileges, but to work on making a safer and fairer world.

5. Be able to say “Dude, that’s not cool” in public. “Bro codes” suggests that men should go to great lengths to avoid embarrassing another guy. Too often, that means turning a blind eye to sexism. The difference between a guy and a man is that the latter has the courage to call out a friend or an acquaintance who’s crossed the line.

6. Don’t take women’s mistrust personally. By this age, you should stop saying inane things like “trust me” or “I’m not like the other guys.” Women aren’t mind-readers and in a world with as much sexualized violence as our own, we are guilty until proven innocent. Stop complaining and start taking steps to make yourself a safe ally and friend.

7. Decide how you feel about children. No, that doesn’t mean you have to have kids by the time you’re 30. But you don’t have forever, bub; men have biological clocks too. “I’ll think about that later” is a great thing for an 18-year-old to say. At 30, given what your female peers are experiencing and you yourself will soon go through, it’s time to make a decision about what you really want and start to act accordingly. If you never want kids, that’s great too—the point is, it’s time to start deciding.

8. Be able to prioritize. Put your wife or girlfriend first. Put your kids (if you have them) second. Put your family (yes, that includes your mother) third and your career fourth. Yeats wrote: “the intellect of man is forced to choose  perfection of the life, or of the work.” His poem leaves no doubt that choosing the latter is a recipe for misery.

9. Have good friends of both sexes. Some men find it very difficult to open up to other guys; some, like Harry from the famous film When Harry Met Sally find it impossible to be platonic friends with a woman. Part of growing up is getting past the socialized awkwardness and internalized homophobia so that you can connect emotionally with at least one other man. And part of growing up is recognizing that even when unilateral or mutual sexual attraction exists, it doesn’t need to be acted upon. Whether there’s an undercurrent of desire or not, real friendship between men and women is possible—and it helps make us all into richer people.

10. Take care of yourself without being nagged. One big reason women live longer than men is because women are so much better at self-care. Machismo kills. You can’t be the hero if you aren’t there—and being there requires looking after yourself. Get some sleep, call the doctor, watch your weight, deal with your addictions…and not just because your mom, girlfriend, or sister is always on your case. You’re not a little boy anymore, my 30-something friend. It’s your body and you are its sole proprietor. Love it and care for it.

Hugo Schwyzer has taught history and gender studies at Pasadena City College since 1993, where he developed the college's first courses on Men and Masculinity and Beauty and Body Image. A writer and speaker as well as a professor, Hugo lives with his wife, daughter, and six chinchillas in Los Angeles. Hugo blogs at his eponymous website and co-authored the recent autobiography of supermodel Carré Otis, Beauty, Disrupted.

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Neko
05/06/12 at 01:01 AM #
Absolutely LOVED #1 and #2: those are two things I think every person, regardless of gender, should know!!!
ND
05/04/12 at 09:35 PM #
Regarding the relative priority of children and the spouse, I think if your relationship with the spouse has enough need in it that you would neglect children’s needs in favor of it then you should wait to have children and get counseling until you are functioning a more differentiated, adult partnership. It’s worth everything you can do to be as adult as possible before you have a child. Also, a marriage based on want (not need) and negotiated, adult partnership is a whole different experience from one based on neediness leftover from childhood that one is trying to subconsciously deal with through the marriage. Not having a child until you are at that stage allows a much easier parenting experience.

Regarding the male bio clock, check out Harry Fisch’s writings. It’s not just autism and schizophrenia, but also physical diseases like childhood cancers, a certain type of dwarfism and other issues. We have only been able to prove paternity for about 40 years or so, so they are just beginning to discover the range of these issues. There is also a problem with micro-genetic mutation, i.e mutation in the sperm as a man ages that allows reproduction and even allows the child to reach reproductive age and even reproduce as well, but causes problems in the grandchild. Some examples they have isolated are some issues with bone growth and crooked teeth. These are permanent deteriorations in the DNA that all subsequent generations will suffer, and may get increasingly worse because the DNA is already in a vulnerable state and is especially likely to further deteriorate.

These two are a bit at odds with each other, so I am glad Hugo wrote this article as thinking early in adulthood about (a) getting help to repair or get what was missing in your childhood and (b) focusing on dating you women you actually might want to marry and have children with rather than playing around for a long time can really reap dividends for men and their children.
WB-Tanks
05/04/12 at 11:57 AM #

Below I’m going to be a pretty harsh critic so let me preface this by saying that I really enjoyed bullet points 1,2,3,5,8,9,10. My criticism is therefore directed at points 4,6,7.
Firstly:The notion that we are guilty until proven innocent because “there is so much sexual violence” is complete and utter horse shit. So much sexual violence? Compared to what? Historically rape was much more widespread due to, um, I don’t know, widespread war and a lack of legal recourse against assailants (remember mr Khan?). The only way you could justify that there is more sexual violence now is by using aggregate numbers which only shows that there is a much larger population nowadays. Guilty until proven innocent? You are essentially acknowledging that men are rapist-pigs and we must demonstrate otherwise, by, I don’t know, not raping? Honestly this logic is so fucked I can’t believe I’m reading it (I just started reading your blog, which is how I got here, because a feminist friend of mine suggested it was good men’s-issues reading and frankly this point makes me question the entirety of your message). As a future lawyer I can’t fathom why any sane person would think it’s okay to cast an entire gender in such a way as to make them second class citizens, a criminal gender, an underclass. Essentially you are arguing for inequality, <—-THIS IS NOT FEMINISM.
Secondly: The notion that we must decide whether we want kids prior to finding a mate to raise them with is similarly ludicrous. I only want kids if I’m raising them with the right kind of woman that also wants kids. Maybe I’ll fall for a women who doesn’t want kids. These decisions can (and probably should) be conditional and the idea that we must have our mind made up in advance is silly. Maybe you can have your mind made up in advance that you certainly do not want kids but this is much different, in that this decision can be made by one person while a decision to have kids requires (or should require) two people of like mind.
Thirdly: Your assertion of male privilege is classical feminist propaganda and really is just a way of dismissing men’s concerns about injustices men face. Ask men in the penal system whether they are much less likely to be sexually assaulted than their female counterparts (yeah I went there, the correctional rape cage and the unequal treatment of men and women by the law is hard evidence that this privilege rhetoric is not as simple as you’d like it to be). Acknowledging privilege isn’t a gendered issue, your privilege comes from far more complex things than gender alone such as your attractiveness, class position, ethnicity, intelligence, etc. If anything bullet 4 should be rewritten into “acknowledge your individual privilege” or better yet “be modest” or maybe “don’t be an objectivist that thinks they earned everything they’ve received”.
Lastly, others have already pointed out why the biological clock issue is blatantly wrong but I’ll chip in that your are simply off the mark. I’ve known women to have children nearing their 50’s and men even older. You’re simply wrong on this one. An increased chance of certain mental health problems does not a male-biological clock make.
I hope the harshness of these criticisms isn’t taken the wrong way, I’m glad you’re doing what you are doing but can’t help but feel you too easily accept certain feminist doctrines without questioning them.
Best,
WB-Tanks
Ziggy
05/03/12 at 09:12 PM #
Perhaps for the children—perhaps (the subject is still disputed, while menopause for women is simply a fact)—but not for men.

And you better tell it to Hugo. According to his blog, the man who would condescendingly preach to guys who have just reached the 30 year mark will be having a child in a few weeks at age 44.
Gigi
05/03/12 at 08:59 PM #
@Ziggy: “There is no biological clock for men.” Not so. There is increasing evidence of elevated risks for autism, schizophrenia, and other serious disabilities in children whose fathers were over 35 when they were conceived.
Just Some Dude
05/03/12 at 06:45 AM #
“Be able to prioritize. Put your wife or girlfriend first. Put your kids (if you have them) second.”

No, maybe you and your partner decide kids first. Maybe you decide mum’s going through a rough patch and she needs to be first for a while. Maybe you should discuss this with your god damn partner.

And wife/girlfriend? When last I checked not all men had women as there partners.
Monica
05/02/12 at 11:37 PM #
I just want to help you fact check: this was the focus of last month’s Cosmo & Glamour. Not just 1997. Cool article.
Ziggy
05/02/12 at 08:39 PM #
No, there is no biological clock for men. Hugo’s own guilt at his past with women and endless, endless capacity to hate his own gender would love to construct one, but there isn’t. Men can create viable sperm virtually until the day they die, even if that death is from very old age.

Yes, there are valid ethical arguments why a man shouldn’t consider children after a certain age, and the practical matter of finding a partner able and willing to give an old man any children is a real consideration. But there’s no biological clock for men, and trying to bully men in to believing there is one so that things will be equal—all importantly equal—between men and women is just another of Schwyzer’s attempts to make himself feel taller by cutting his own gender down.
Andrew Pari, LCSW
05/02/12 at 07:55 PM #
I’m well into my 40’s and I don’t know that I can say I nailed all these in my 30’s, but I can honestly say I have now. The children thing I had sorted out at 19.
Re: #8, as a therapist dealing with parents, I agree that prioritizing each other before children IS part of prioritizing children. For those that disagree, keep reading what I wrote until it makes sense.
Re: #9, those writing that this is a trust issue are dead-on.
mccguinness
05/02/12 at 11:35 AM #
@Jenna, if you require your partner to get rid of their opposite-sex friends after marriage, then you simply don’t trust them and shouldn’t have married them. Simple as that. I find your premise ridiculous. Rational adults are fully capable of maintaining close friendships with the opposite sex.
Red
05/02/12 at 10:30 AM #
@April Men have far too long been self centered and selfish… gearing them towards being better people in society and around the opposite sex is a good thing. Not blatant worship mind you.

Same sex friends and opposite sex friends are a must… anyone that can’t handle both without assuming they want to get into their pants is just insecure, IMO.

Sure I’ve had a fantasy or two that was inappropriate regarding a friend, does that mean I’ve acted on it? Hell no, my relationship comes first not some wild fancy. Second there is nothing wrong with fantasies and maybe discussing them with your partner will lead to something but don’t bet on it.

I used to be in a relationship where it was assumed anytime I was out, I was flirting with the intention of cheating because I had female friends, (yes I’m male in case you didn’t get that already) this was hard. I’m a flirt, but that doesn’t mean anything will ever come of it.

Now if I’m being honest after that relationship failed… did I pursue anyone? Yes… did anything come of it? Sure… but it wasn’t the reason for the breakup, nor would I have EVER acted on it while together! Assuming all men will act on it is a bit too harsh.
April Blue
05/02/12 at 06:16 AM #
Wow, ALL I can say is WOW.

Well NOT ALL I can say

Hugo, so men are simply put on this earth to serve women. Your entire list is made so that men should be servents of women. Nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn’t touch a man like that with a 10 foot pole. He is a slave.
Stewart
05/02/12 at 12:40 AM #
@ND. I COMPLETELY agree. Good list. But #8? Children, if you have them, and once you do have them, should come first. This is indisputable as far as I am concerned. Any attempt to justify the opposition is far too complicated to resemble truth. And I am single.
Laurel
05/01/12 at 07:13 PM #
Fantastic list, Hugo! Numbers 1, 5, 6, and 10 in particular.

@ Jenna: I disagree, too. A huge part of any relationship is trust, and if your guy can’t handle himself around female friends without getting into trouble, he’s got a problem. But I agree with Sarah; your own insecurity is probably the culprit.

@ND: I have always read that the best way to “childproof” a marriage is to put your spouse first. Children thrive when their needs are met by parents who present a united front, not when they are able to play one against the other.
daria
05/01/12 at 04:23 PM #
Love the list, but am surprised at #3 and the gendered assumption that women are better dressers than men. Why couldn’t a man ask his brother for clothing advice, for example? I think it would be better to say “without needing to ask some else” or “your relative/friend for help.”
Sarah
05/01/12 at 02:36 PM #
@Jenna — I’ll be damned if I’m giving up my friends of the opposite sex, who have been there for me through thick and thin, just because I’ve gotten married. I assume your logic is to protect the marriage from affairs, sexual or otherwise? That’s some pretty wrong-headed thinking. It’s dealing with the symptoms of insecurities, not the root problem. No matter how many rules you make, they won’t do away with insecurities. Only feeling that your partner cherishes you and values you for who you are will do that. And that’s not 100% the responsibility of the partner. It’s up to you to start thinking “my spouse really means it when he says he wants to be with me!”. Not “well, he’s only saying that because he’s supposed to say it.” Trust, not high-school insecurity, should be the foundation of relationships.
Besides, I’m bi, by your logic I should give up all of my friends.
Kaye
05/01/12 at 12:09 PM #
I think this is a great list. I’ve realized my parents (who are happily, hanging’ out-ily, got-in-jokes still married) spent 18 years with me under their roof, but 29 years living together… 33 if time before they married is included. Having a kid is such a huge, monolithic life-changer that it’s easy to forget you’ll spend most of your life with your partner, not your kids. Yes, attention has to be diverted to young children or family crisis, but a life partner has to be a partner in every step of your life.

@Jenna, I respectfully disagree. My partner’s two best friends are women, and I would never expect him to lessen their relationship. My partner’s female friends are invaluable- they offer a perspective to him that is reinforces the different life experiences of men and women. Avoiding other-gender friendships wouldn’t prevent cheating, but it can prevent understanding.
ND
05/01/12 at 10:32 AM #
Good list.

I agree with all of it but one. Schwytzer says: “8. Be able to prioritize. Put your wife or girlfriend first. Put your kids (if you have them) second.”

If you have children, they come first. Women are fellow adults and can take care of themselves if need be. Children, especially infants and toddlers, but even gradeschoolers, teenagers, and transitioning to adulthood early-20 somethings literally NEED their parents (and not just for money, but for personal, age and development-appropriate help, from having their diapers changed, to having their food cooked for them, to mentoring and relating to them).

That doesn’t mean your and the children’s mother’s life is all about the children. Or that the parents’ relationship with each other is unimportant (I would place it at 1.5 or 2 behind the children being number 1. And both parents’ need to earn money to support the family and themselves is also important; the man’s earning is not MORE important than the woman’s, however.).

But children who have their needs met will have a drive to autonomy that allows the parents time and energy for themselves and their relationship. If you reverse these priorities, you will find that your child begins to suppress need and act it out and move into dysfunctional types of development and will need much more time and energy and attention.
Jenna Myers Karvunidis
05/01/12 at 09:47 AM #
I love your writing and you make some great points, but I contest #9. When you get married, there isn’t room for opposite sex buddies anymore. Co-workers are unavoidable and it’s a great idea to be polite to everyone, but I completely disagree that we need confidants of the opposite gender after we’re married. It’s just trouble waiting to happen.