I had a conversation this week with a mom who told me that her 13-year-old daughter was sick and would need a daylong series of tests to figure out what was wrong. The story came up because she scheduled the test on a day when her husband (and father of her daughter) couldn’t make it. He heard the news and asked that she reschedule because, “this is not the father” that he wanted to be. They were able to find a time that worked, and hopefully, all will be well with their daughter. 

I found this exchange interesting because it highlights the struggle men face as they redefine their roles as fathers. Ideally, this mom would have taken her husband’s schedule into account prior to making the appointment, but the good news in this case is that the dad stood up for himself. I’ve written a lot about gatekeeping (a primary caregiver pushing his/her partner out of the parenting role), and the best antidote is certainly to push back. Many dads are feeling more confident because they have legitimate parenting experience and, thereby, legitimate concerns and opinions. Many dads are reading parenting books before and after the baby comes along. Almost all dads these days are present in the delivery room and there in the first minutes to bond with the new baby. I was at the pediatrician’s office recently and at least six dads were there with their kids. I volunteer for lunch duty at my son’s school on Tuesdays, and the two other parent volunteers are both men, one a working father, the other a grandfather. Many dads drop their kids off at school every day, and many are out on the sidewalk with me every afternoon picking their kids up. Both parents attend almost every parent-teach conference at both my sons’ schools. Meetups for the NYC Dads Group regularly include conversations about our children’s sleep habits, eating habits, school issues, etc. Dads are in the game, and as Dr. Phil likes to say, we’re “not playing with sweaty palms.”

I’m starting to see a change in the media, too. For too long, fathers have been portrayed on TV and in commercials as bumbling idiots who can’t change a diaper without duct tape, and can’t prepare a meal without starting a fire. Producers and marketers are finally recognizing that though funny, this isn’t an accurate representation of men. One of my favorite TV shows, Parenthood, is the most accurate representation of the range and complexity of modern fatherhood that I have seen on TV. The show addresses generational differences in masculinity and fatherhood: an at-home dad’s struggle to maintain his identity, a working father’s struggle to be the dad he wants to be while being committed to his work, and a new dad’s struggle to take responsibility for the 6-year-old son that he has only recently met. Proctor & Gamble, the inventor of an entire television genre designed to sell women their soap, has shut down its TV production arm and is focused on developing targeted online communities, including a content-rich site called Man of the House. Current articles on the site include “Baby Products You Don’t Need to Buy,” “Delayed Reaction: The Evolution of a Father’s Love,” and “Talking to Your Child’s Teacher.” The advertised products include the expected Gillette razors and Head & Shoulders shampoo, but also Charmin toilet paper and Tide. P&G’s latest Pampers pitchman: star NFL quarterback Drew Brees!

Even the workplace is starting to recognize that fathers are changing. Studies by the Sloan Foundation, Boston College, and WFD Consulting all show that working fathers are struggling to integrate work and family, and men are increasingly looking for more flexibility. I’ve met many men who are stepping up in their workplaces to say that they are committed to their work, but they need flexible hours, days to work from home, reduced work hours, or extended vacations, and companies are listening. A woman I know recently interviewed for a job at a major financial institution, and several of the men in the group (senior and junior), all fathers of young children, sold her on the fact that their families were important and the group had a very supportive culture.

Please don’t get me wrong; I’m not delusional. Many men are not stepping up as fathers, and many women bear the primary or sole responsibility of child and homecare. Most dads on TV are still represented as immature, irresponsible oafs. Most workplaces still define the ideal worker as someone who has few or no commitments outside of the office. What’s changing is a new definition of what is possible for men. We are starting to see an alternative set of role models in our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, and our heroes. We have a way forward to say, “This IS the man and father I want to be.”

Matt Schneider has been an at-home dad for six years, and lives with his wife and two boys in New York City. Matt is a founding member and co-organizer for the NYC Dads Group, a community of active and involved fathers. Matt plans workshops, screenings, and lectures with parenting, family, and education experts on behalf of the group. Matt also serves as an advisor to ThirdPath Institute, a non-profit that works with individuals, families, and organizations to integrate work and life. Prior to fatherhood, Matt was a teacher and a product manager for a major telecommunications company.

Republished from Citibabes, where Matt Schneider is a regular contributor. Check out his other work on their site.

Photo credit Nathan Congleton/Flickr.