Republished from Citibabes, where Matt Schneider is a regular contributor. Check out his other work on their site.
Parenting gurus often like to point out that moms and dads are very different, and they often use back-handed statements to suggest that mothers are inherently more capable and nurturing. These experts will say things like, “dad might be rough and tumble before bedtime, and that’s okay” or “so what if dad doesn’t fold the sheets the same way you do, at least he’s pitching in!” But, if we take a step back, I wonder if dads are really that different from moms, or if parents are just different in general?
Some argue that moms are more nurturing and just know how to be better parents. I’ve met both moms and dads that are happy to give a screaming child a candy bar to get him to settle down, just as I’ve met moms and dads that show up to a playdate with three or four BPA-free, reusable plastic containers filled with organic fruits and vegetables from the farmer’s market that have been sliced to perfect bite-size pieces to ensure that their new eater won’t choke. I’ve also known moms and dads who rush their children to the emergency room when they fear that barking cough might be croup, and other moms and dads that haven’t taken their kids to the doctor for more than routine checkups. These differences aren’t gender specific—the differences are based on individual instincts, knowledge, and beliefs.
Others suggest that because women are physiologically different, and thereby able to conceive, carry, give birth to, and nurse a baby, they clearly have an advantage as nurturers and caretakers. Obviously, fathers cannot conceive, carry, give birth to, or nurse a baby, but I’m not willing to concede that the nine-month gestation period or the six-months of nursing is determinate in the 216 months before a child turns 18. We have too many interventions (IVF, C-Section) and alternatives (surrogacy, adoption, formula) to say that the only parents capable of nurturing their children are the ones able to conceive, carry, give birth to, and nurse a baby.
What happens during those first few months can, however, be the beginning of the roles parents take on because of individual desire, societal and familial pressure, or merely inertia. For some families, one parent (often, but not always, the mom) takes the lead before the baby is born by reading the parenting books, signing up for birth/breastfeeding classes, and preparing the home for the new arrival. Right after the baby is born, she is the “knowledgeable” parent and, if breastfeeding, the sole provider of food. She is also the one that is at home after the first few days or weeks, so her expertise and confidence strengthens. You know the story from here.
Other families start down a different path. For example, my wife was not able to walk for several weeks after giving birth to our older son. She was breastfeeding, so at night I was the one getting up to get the baby out of the crib, bringing him over, encouraging them both through the process, and then changing his diaper and getting him back to sleep. My wife recovered after a few weeks, but we had settled into a routine where both of us were trying, learning, and gaining more confidence. This experience started us down the path we are on today.
There is no question that more moms are doing more work than dads in 2011. The first piece of good news is that I see more and more examples of parents figuring out a more balanced model, both out of desire and out of necessity. The second piece of good news to me is that moms aren’t working harder because dads are inherently different, incompetent, or neglectful; it’s happening because that’s the routine that so many families set up from the start. Moms and dads both have the potential to be capable and nurturing parents, but it does require hard work, practice, and a desire from both parents to want a partner and want to be a partner.
Matt Schneider has been an at-home dad for six years, and lives with his wife and two boys in New York City. Matt is a founding member and co-organizer for the NYC Dads Group, a community of active and involved fathers. Matt plans workshops, screenings, and lectures with parenting, family, and education experts on behalf of the group. Matt also serves as an advisor to ThirdPath Institute, a non-profit that works with individuals, families, and organizations to integrate work and life. Prior to fatherhood, Matt was a teacher and a product manager for a major telecommunications company.
Photo credit Lilatious/Flickr
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