Family

Divorce And Kids: Why I Love Being A Single Parent

By Kate Schermerhorn

May 15, 2012

This originally appeared on Huffington Post. Republished here with permission.

Nothing drives me as crazy as those women who act like some horrible tragedy has befallen my children and me when they hear I am divorced...yes, twice. I can never believe people like that still exist in this day and age, and I'm always shocked when I find that a few of them still do. It usually happens at a cocktail party or some other social function, and it's always the woman whose husband is the most boring man in the room, the guy with the creases ironed into his jeans, the one who reminds you of Rick Santorum.

It will happen after we've bragged about our kids long enough to move on to the second favorite cocktail party subject—marriage. And that usually starts with her making some sort of "nudge nudge, isn't marriage hard" comment. When I say I'm not married, the look of dismay and pity that comes over her face makes me want to say, "Seriously, lady?! What decade are we living in here? I bet you're one of those freaks who still uses a term like 'broken home,' aren't you?"

But instead we'll glance across the room in awkward silence and see her husband flirting shamelessly with one of the other single women, totally oblivious to how unattractive he looks in those jeans or to his wife scowling at him from across the room.

And I will leave the party ever more thankful that I have my life and not hers.

Sure, going through a divorce can be a trying experience, and for children, well, there are aspects of it that are truly painful. I wish I had known before I got married what I know now, so I could have saved my children from that. But divorce happens, and after the divorce dust has settled (and I should be clear that I am assuming a certain level of financial independence when I say this), unmarried living and parenting...well that's a different matter.

In many ways, I've found single parenting to be much simpler and more enjoyable than raising children within marriage, even when it was good. And I think there have even been some benefits for my kids, too.

I often see married couples walking around with unashamed resentment for one another. Comments like "It's your turn to deal with bath time" or "I had to follow him around the restaurant without eating my dinner last time we went out" take the parents' focus away from the reality—those mundane tasks might get tiring at times, but they all piece together to make up a large part of their son's or daughter's childhood. If those couples weren't so busy keeping score in their tit-for-tat battle over who is doing more of the parenting chores, they might actually want to be the one giving their child a bath.

Single parenting means no bickering over parenting decisions, no confusion when you say "no" to a whiny, tired child who wants a cookie before dinner, and no second conflict when the other parent lets her eat the cookie. Because the relationship with your child is number one, it creates a different type of bond between parent and child. Kids learn to be a little more responsible than they might otherwise have been, and children are often more comfortable interacting with adults, a result of more inclusion in social activities since single people seem to socialize in ways that include the children, rather than leaving them behind during a "date night" with a spouse. And, of course, there are no resentments about whose turn it is to feed a child or put him or her to bed. In my household, it's always my turn. While it might get exhausting at times, I embrace and savor that role, and my children benefit as a result.

Divorce is hard, but it's incorrect to assume it's a tragedy. In fact, for many families, it's the road to a better life for parent and child alike. Maybe the Cocktail Party Lady will be in a position to find that out for herself one day; the odds give her a good, solid chance that she will.

Kate Schermerhorn is the director of "After Happily Ever After," a documentary film about modern marriage. It is out now on DVD and On Demand, including iTunes, Vudu, and Amazon Instant Video. Visit afterhappilyeverafter.net for more information and to receive a free list of 10 secrets to marital bliss. She is starting a new documentary about consumerism called "Do I Need This."

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Posted in Family, Marriage, Mothers, nfti-home, Singledom, Working Mothers

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Anna
05/18/12 at 08:55 AM #
I stand by my feelings of disagreement with almost everyone else who’s commented here so far. I find the author’s comments refreshingly honest, pointed, and appropriate. I do not find them mean or off-base.

Again, I am a mother of two, a married (once) wife of 11 years, and a licensed parent educator with a masters in family education. Through my own determination to be true to myself and to a slightly lesser degree—my marriage commitment, I’ve facilitate a very different set of parenting partner roles than the highly gendered roles my husband and I had when our children were very young and I became so depressed and resentful.
Folks who know the whole story say I have a tenacious marriage commitment. And yet I had to be prepared at countless points along the way to rock the boat enough to reclaim my own self-esteem and live my convictions; I had to get over feeling terrified by the prospect of divorce or I’d indeed be stuck forever, living my same deeply frustrating, 1950’s life, and not finding enough good company among the other stay-at-home moms in my community (some of which were indeed Cocktail Ladies).

Now my husband and I have adopted many principles of Shared Care parenting (supported in good part by long-distance colleagues at www.thirdpath.org). I’m not by any means saying all married couples are miserable, and neither is the author. My marriage no longer is, but it sure was to me.

I wonder if the reason more fair and mutually satisfying marriages don’t exist is because . . .
-not all husbands are as committed to their wives as mine;
—not all husbands are as willing to stretch and grow and acknowledge the honest fairness among the sexes as mine;
—not all women get clear about what they truly want in a satisfying life and family life;
—not all women are willing to stand their ground, speak their Truth, and risk divorce and financial insecurity as I was (granted, some are not risking a loss in security-many are indeed risking poverty).

What does anyone think of what I’ve just said? I’d be happy to have that respectful conversation.

One last thought . . . I’ve noticed among my friends that most of the divorced women are relieved at how much easier and more satisfying parenting becomes post-divorce; they’ve already been mothering children and a mean or unresponsive spouse alone . . . now it’s as though they have one less ‘child’ on their hands.

This author’s experience and feelings resonate with these many real-life divorce accounts from my friends, it jibes with my own experiences as the daughter of divorced parents, and it shines a bright light on some some deep, central struggles I’ve had in my own marriage and family life. Thank you, Kate Schermerhorn, for writing such an honest and provocative piece to get this discussion going.
Baby
05/17/12 at 06:27 PM #
They don’t have to be so nasty about her, either
Dave
05/15/12 at 09:09 PM #
I too am divorced, and I had a crazy awful first marriage. But I realized early that it was crazy awful before I had children with her. So I didn’t. Not being a choice for some, I will agree that single parenting is better than miserable parenting. HOWEVER, the tone of this article is just ridiculously angry. I’m sorry if you had a bad marriage, and I’m equally sorry you’ve had to endure horrible opinions from horrible people. Unfortunately, if this is the attitude you project, then anyone with any empathy is going to pick up on the fact you ARE miserable. Because pointing out the weakness in someone else to prove your life is better is a childish and selfish way to act. Yes, sanctimonious people are hard to put up with, but that’s what makes bigger people the bigger people. The point is those jerks who are being sanctimonious are being mirrored by you in your angry article about them. If you were truly happy with your situation, there would be no need to point out to anyone how happy you are. It’s pretty obvious when you see a happy person.
Anon
05/15/12 at 05:14 PM #
“Single parenting means no bickering over parenting decisions..” – there is a lot of generalizing happening here. How are the children going to learn how to achieve a compromise or a win-win in trying situations if they don’t grow up seeing you coming to a resolution on a common topic with your partner? Will they quickly learn to set boundaries for themselves and others?

“While it might get exhausting at times, I embrace and savor that role…” – how do you know that the so called resentful married couples aren’t saying the same thing about their marriage or about being a spouse?

I empathize with you when people trouble you at parties, but your post really undermines the benefits of raising kids with both parents.
CMoore
05/15/12 at 03:01 PM #
I agree that the main points are true and worth recognizing, while the nasty tone diminishes the strength of the author’s voice a bit. I do understand where it comes from, though. Similar thoughts run through my head whenever someone is assuming that a particular, socially supported situation is better than someone else’s scenario, chosen or not. There certainly is a lot of sefl-righteousness out there in the traditionally married and child-raising world for those with variations on this to get annoyed about. But as a reader and a writer, I do feel that avoiding the kind of judgmental stance and language that is being called out enhances the message.
Mm
05/15/12 at 12:46 PM #
While a find your comments regarding the cocktail party woman just plain mean (there’s absolutely no reason for a grown woman to call another grown woman a “freak” – that sounds cruel, bitter & immature), your thoughts on the tit-for-tat parenting dynamics are interesting.
Anna
05/15/12 at 12:07 PM #
I totally get this. I’m a licensed parent educator and my husband and I are the biological parents of our two kids. But my background is that my sister and I were raised by a single mom—my dad was mostly a mess, and scary, and left the state several years after. And to this day, I loath the kind of Cocktail Party Ladies you refer to. And I know what it’s like to be the mother in a separate-spheres marriage (my domain: home and unpaid family work; his: the office and paid work). The unfairness factor made it doubly hard to stomach more time with my children at bath and bed time. For God’s sake, it was his turn!
Good for you for embracing some healthy aspects of single parent life and family relationship that go unrecognized. And you’re not saying it’s easier for everyone in every aspect . . . but that some aspects are so much easier and so much more enjoyable without spousal bickering. Brings to mind the recent movie, ‘friends with kids,’ but in that situation, that unmarried couple both had lucrative jobs and a nanny to do much of the grunt work on the home front. Others’ thoughts?
Anno
05/15/12 at 08:07 AM #
I guess the final word will come from your kids. We’ll see what they say in 20 years.

In the meantime, you don’t hav to be so nasty about married people.