This piece is part of a special series on the End of Gender. This series includes bloggers from HyperVocal, Role/Reboot, Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, Salon, Ms. Magazine, YourTango, Psychology Today, Princess Free Zone,The Next Great Generation, and Man-Making.
As we consider of the question of the “end of gender” it’s important to think beyond the shifts we see in society and consider the larger conversations that are taking place. Although women have made great strides in education and career choice, the power men have goes beyond merely the jobs they hold, the income they earn, and the education they attain. I am struck by the power of the “male framework” in conversations and questions, and how this framework often limits the analysis of what we see and think.
It is still considered important to be tough when participating in areas that are traditionally male-dominated. In fact, many women consciously try to avoid seeming feminine or naïve when they interact with men in professional and even casual settings. Although more women have become doctors, it’s important to note that few men have become nurses. This begs the questions: is it that women have learned to participate like men in male culture, while men have not really been forced to change their behavior?
A couple of weeks ago I had the revelation that when I’m at a baseball game, I only discuss what is acceptable to the men around me, while suppressing other comments I fear would be treated as silly or naïve. During a recent Red Sox -Yankees game there was an incident I have witnessed many times: a pitcher (apparently) threw a pitch to intentionally hit the player up at bat. The bullpens and dugouts immediately emptied out, with big, burly guys coming to defend their respective teammates.
Despite the fact that I have seen this situation play out many times, I always have trouble believing the pitcher intended to strike the batter. I can’t imagine that the pitcher feels fine hurling a 90 mph missile at a fellow player, even if he is a member of the opposing team. I also wonder about the details of how a pitcher decides it’s time to aim at a batter. Is it a signal from the catcher or the manager? Is it an unspoken code that no one admits to? And when the batter’s teammates march out in protest, are they thinking angrily “that guy almost hurt my buddy!” or just posturing as part of a male ritual? These are the thoughts that go through my head that I never discuss. My own husband thinks I am naïve not to accept players rushing the field as normal payback for a slight. Am I being a silly female to think this is worth analyzing?
This situation only mirrors many I have found myself in during the course of my life and career. When finding myself with a reaction differing from that of my male peers, I have been surprised that others did not share my concerns or questions. For example, when I was on the board of a large bank, I was at a meeting to discuss a money-laundering scheme centered in one branch where clear criminal activity involving multiple employees was taking place. As the facts of the case were disclosed every man in the room focused on why the bank’s computer systems had failed to catch the illegal cash deposits. But I asked, “How did we happen to have so many people in the same location willing to do this? Did they apply to us for the explicit purpose of gaining access to the means of money laundering? Or did something in the way we managed the branch cause people to collectively turn against us? Were they bribed?” The response of the men to my questions? “Of course people do bad things. Our systems simply have to be strengthened to catch them.”
When my reaction seems to differ from the men around me it causes me to pause. When women react differently, as I did in the incidents above, they are often dismissed as naïve or silly, and I suspect that many men would hesitate to take a tack different from their peers for fear of the same labels being applied to them. This reminds me that although society has changed, the dominant frameworks for handling situations have not. Male frameworks have yet to change to allow for the inclusion of different lines of thinking.
Society seems to expect certain behaviors and ways of thinking that mean men don’t question why certain things happen, as it would be considered unmanly and naïve to do so. I know many women who fail to ask what is really on their mind when they’re in male-dominated settings for fear of being labeled as thinking like a silly girl.
The promise of role rebooting is not just changing the roles we take on to give men and women more acceptable choices, but also to free everyone to express themselves fully without being pigeonholed as thinking like a man or a woman.
Fran Sussner Rodgers is Senior Advisor to Role Reboot. She was the founder and CEO of Work/Family Directions.
Photo credit Melody @ Party Cupcake Ideas/Flickr
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