Maybe it’s the romantic in me, but I’m one of those people who loves a wedding. Having had two of my own and attended my fair share, I get a kick out of them. There’s always a couple in love, vows being exchanged, rings on fingers, and a gorgeous dress. Yet, while a wedding ideally represents a couple, there appear to be some aspects that will always have more to do with satisfying the fantasy of the bride. It’s a common notion that a wedding is a woman’s chance to fulfill a certain ambition, and, no, that ambition isn’t everlasting love. Many women seemingly want to be a princess, if only for one day. But achieving that dream is rarely cheap and begs the question: is this dream something a woman should spend her money on or her love life chasing?
The princess image hasn’t waned in modern times: just a few months ago the world went crazy over the English royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. And last month the press went crazy over another “royal” wedding: reality star Kim Kardashian and NBA player Kris Humphries. Being pop culture royalty made Kim Kardashian’s wedding big “news.” Even bigger news? Their nuptials reportedly cost over $10 million. Ten. Million. Dollars. This wedding’s budget was more money than most of us will see in a lifetime. That excess, at a time when people are struggling through a recession, could be considered not just tacky, but downright insulting. Still, this kind of spending only feeds into the idea that every woman deserves her day as a princess.
Even the least bridezilla among us seem to yearn to stand up in a gorgeous white dress and think the world revolves around her for the day (I guess there’s a desire for a dude and love in the mix somewhere too…). Let’s not forget that perhaps we should be asking how the princess dream became part of our psyche and why so many are willing to pay so much to fulfill it. The origins of many modern wedding traditions can be traced to the traditions of actual royalty, such as Queen Victoria’s choice of a white wedding dress. Only the wealthy were able to splurge on a white dress because, after all, owing to the difficulty of keeping white clean, who could really afford something that could only be worn once? In this tradition you can see how ideas about wedding spending is an attempt to keep up with the Joneses.
One of the most entertaining weddings I ever attended was low-key. The guests all stood on the grass and watched a simple, laidback ceremony in which the bride wore an above-the-knee vintage dress that complimented her style and personality. Recently, when that same bride and I gushed over the more elaborate dress one of our mutual friends had chosen, the bride who had gone with the simpler dress confessed that seeing our friend’s dress made her wish she had chosen a similar one. I was torn between an odd sense of agreement and disagreeing because I knew she had chosen well for her personal style. Clearly, the wedding industry tells us that being a bride means putting on an over-the-top princess dress rather than just being ourselves.
The truth is, we are not all princesses and that’s a good thing. However, I’ll place more blame with Walt Disney for the expectations surrounding weddings long before I’ll blame British royalty. Weren’t Disney movies where our generation really learned that wedding days are about being a princess? Weren’t we taught that one day our prince will come and when he does he’ll be so damn loaded that he’ll spare no expense to give us the party of our dreams? And this is where weddings move beyond just a dress because looking like a princess is pointless if nobody is there to see it. The price of even the simplest wedding can easily spiral out of control when you start inviting people. You want your guests to share in your love for each other and bring you some gifts, but in return they will expect you to put on a show for them.
The wedding industry relies on perpetuating the fairytale stereotype. There must be a carriage to ferry the couple around, decorations to enhance the atmosphere, a feast for guests to dine on, drinks for them to toast with, and a ball for them to dance at. Even before the actual event a small fortune can be invested in invitations, showers, and bachelor/bachelorette parties. And let’s be honest, there has to be a photographer to catch every moment (if not a videographer to capture it all in live motion), as well as flowers, cakes, hotels, hair, fancy tablecloths…the list goes on and on. If everyone decided to just go to city hall for their nuptials the whole industry would collapse. But it is important to ponder how much of the cost spent is simply because we’re led to believe it will make that one day complete. How much of what is purchased can ever be used again? Those little extra touches may express who you both are as a couple, but are they worth going into debt over? And does compromising over cost really make that much of a difference to the memory of the day?
The first time I got married I was only 18 and couldn’t afford my “dream” wedding. We were on a budget, but wanted as many trimmings as possible, so we called in favors. My grandmother handmade my dress with oodles of satin to give me an extra-long train (I was always obsessed with how long Princess Diana’s wedding dress train was) and to top it off she gave me the antique tiara I always wore when playing make-believe princess at her house as a little girl. I had five bridesmaids, all in handmade royal blue dresses. The flowers were bought fresh from a market and we bunched them ourselves. One friend baked the cake and another lent us their new car so we’d arrive at the church in style. We even had the reception in our backyard with just enough room to set up a buffet. But despite all the attempts to make it appear grand, we didn’t even have enough room for a dance floor, meaning we couldn’t have a first dance. Looking back now, the truth is it really was just a case of me as a young woman wanting to play dress-up with as many bells and whistles as I could possibly afford.
After my first marriage collapsed I thought to myself that if I ever went through a wedding for the second time I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on making it a picture-perfect, princess fantasy. And, when I was lucky enough to fall in love again, I stuck to my guns. My second wedding cost my husband and me the price of the license. We weren’t even going to wear anything particularly special until my mother stepped in and offered to buy us traditional outfits as a wedding gift. This time, when purchasing my dress I chose to go for something understated: there was no satin, no train, no beading. It was elegant, but no one would ever mistake me for royalty. We didn’t even have a reception. The twelve people who were in attendance just joined us for a bottle of champagne in a pub across the street from the registrar’s office. It was small, quick and, mostly importantly, cheap. It was just what I had wanted…or so I thought. Looking back now can I say it was my dream wedding? No.
I’ve been happily married for nearly seven years, but what still niggles at me is that, after greedily getting to have two weddings, I still haven’t had that “first dance.” And I do have some idea why that bugs me so much. How many Walt Disney movies end with the couple gliding around a dance floor? Despite the different price tags of the weddings I’ve been to, from the extravagant to the shoestring, I can’t remember one that didn’t have that first dance. And while I can proclaim the idea of a certain Kardashian spending $10 million to be ridiculous, the secret wannabe princess in me knows that if I had $10 million to spare I might happily spend it on a lavish affair knowing I’ll get that grand romantic moment of swishing around a dance floor with the man I love in front of all our friends and family. After all, I love a wedding and they came along for a show.
Ani Kronenberg is still trying to decide what she’s going to be in life. In the process she has uprooted and moved with her husband from England to America in search of inspiration. When she isn’t getting distracted by the latest blockbuster at the movie theater, she eventually writes something. She has a great love of travelling and once combined this with her great love of writing to create the blog www.fiftyfirststates.com. Follow her on Twitter @Ani_bobani.
Photo credit P.C Images/Flickr