My friend, you are not a feminist, but you may be the best one I know.
It recently occurred to me the number of incredible women I have in my life. I also realized that as I’ve gotten older my friendships with women have taken on a deeper meaning. I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but at some point my best female friends stopped being only people to laugh, shop, sip cocktails, and talk about men with, and became people who inspire me to be a better human being. They are some of the smartest, most talented, compassionate, funny people I know. A cosmetic dentist who owns her own business and is a leader for professional women in her city; a social worker who has worked tirelessly to empower Native American teenage girls living on reservations; a lobbyist for one of the largest labor organizations in the country who regularly pulls 12-15 hour days to defend the rights of workers; a family therapist who works with adults and teenagers as they struggle to make themselves and their families more whole; and a brand planner who uses her position in the advertising industry to push the ethical norms of her profession in a direction that values the experiences of all people.
It’s the last one, the brand planner, who recently reminded me of why feminists say the personal is political. It is also this friend who recently reminded me that as an academic my definition of feminism tends to be skewed toward the cerebral and activist and thus can be limiting.
The two of us were out on the town having what the movies would call “girl time.” We stopped to grab drinks at a local Middle Eastern restaurant. Our conversation eventually came around to gender inequality, a topic that somehow in our years of friendship we had never really discussed. Despite our different backgrounds (in terms of both our educational experiences and racial identities), this friend and I share very similar understandings of the role race plays in our society. It is apparent to both of us that racial inequality exists, is a persistent problem, and is worth educating people about while actively working to solve. I assumed we accepted the same realities about gender. However, I found myself shocked at the differences.
My friend doesn’t think gender inequality is much of a problem; she isn’t interested in educating people about it or working actively to solve it. She doesn’t deny that women make less money on the whole or face the constant threat of sexualized violence, she doesn’t deny that media culture objectifies women or that young girls are often taught to value their appearance over their intellectual ability, but she truly believes that women are capable of easily overcoming these things. She embraces an “up by the bootstraps” ideology when it comes to gender, believing that women can just work hard and make the right choices and find themselves equal to men. It probably goes without saying that I don’t believe this is generally the case.
In an attempt to make a point about the unique structural barriers faced by women I gave her the example of a single mother of four and the challenges such a woman might face trying to make a living in this country. Let’s just say my friend’s answer, had it come from a stranger, would not exactly have evoked a tolerant reaction from me: “Well, why did she have four kids? That was a choice.” I was momentarily speechless. Let me be clear, I know my friend to be one of the most compassionate, open-minded, smartest people I have ever met. I snapped at her, “Not all women have access to or education about birth control. And what about women whose husbands beat them? I suppose they should stay in their marriages to avoid having to support their children all on their own? When a single woman becomes pregnant and makes the choice not to have an abortion, a choice I would fight for her to have in either direction, does that justify her work being underpaid and undervalued? Is it the fault of any of these women if they struggle to find childcare they can afford or go into debt paying their children’s medical bills? Is it okay if the fact that someone is a single mother is used as justification not to promote her or give her a small business loan? ” There was a silence for the first time in our friendship. “I understand,” she said, “I do. I guess I’m just not as passionate about it as you are. Can we still be friends?” I laughed, “Of course we can, I love you.” And it’s true.
In fact, if anything, that conversation made our friendship stronger and, as I reflected on it days later, served as a good reminder that work towards gender equality is done in different ways. My friend, more than anyone I know, exemplifies gender equality at the personal level. I chuckled as I said out loud to myself, “She’s a feminist and she doesn’t even know it.” She works in a profession that has traditionally been dominated by men and doesn’t bat an eye at challenging those who she works with, nor is she intimidated by taking on leadership positions. She is the only woman I know who wears whatever she wants wherever she wants, often pushing boundaries, because she so fully embraces the attitude that her clothing and body are unrelated to her intellect and ability and anyone who thinks otherwise is irrelevant to her. She has the most equal and beautiful marriage I have personally ever witnessed; upon their engagement both she and her husband donned engagement rings, and her husband, one of the most secure and talented men I have ever met, has no problem with his wife being the primary breadwinner of the household. The respect and understanding that exists in her marriage, even in times of conflict, blows my mind every time I witness it.
My friend recently graciously came to speak to my students about her experiences in the advertising industry and I witnessed something downright revolutionary. Classrooms full of students were held at rapt attention by a woman in a mini skirt, four-inch stilettos, and huge hoop earrings, scribbling notes furiously, hoping to gain tips about what might be their future careers. Male and female students approached her later to say she had inspired them. One of my male students made the decision to change his major based on her encouragement that he should pursue his passion and not just worry about making money. Perhaps most beautifully, when one of my female students asked her how to stand out in an interview, my friend, without hesitation, said, “Don’t be afraid to talk about how wonderful you are. The reason I’ve succeeded is because I’m not afraid to say I’m smart, I’m smart! I’m not afraid to say I’m creative, I’m creative! I’m not afraid to say I see the world in a way no one else sees it, I do! And I say all that every time I get the chance.” If that is not a woman exemplifying gender equality I don’t know what is.
If we are to accept that the personal, lived experiences of women are political, that these experiences and actions are valuable and have the power to educate and change the world, then my friend, who doesn’t think she’s as passionate about gender equality as I am, might be the best feminist I know.
Sarah Jackson is a Postdoctoral Teaching Fellow at Northeastern University in Boston, MA. Her research and teaching focus on how media discourses of race, class, and gender reinforce and/or challenge concepts of national belonging. Outside her academic life, Sarah volunteers with youth in educational equity programs, does a lot of yoga, and fantasizes about being an artist. Read more of her writing on Wandering In Love and follow her on Twitter @sjjphd.
Photo credit K. Sawyer Photography/Flickr
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