Life

Single And Happy?

By Bailey Elliot

January 29, 2012

I’m a single 32-year-old woman with no kids. I’m going to pause for a second to let that sink in, and to let you think about the images and feelings that spring to mind when you hear that phrase. Pop culture would tell us that I am either:

Standing in a leopard print dress at a bar saying extremely loudly, with a slightly to very crazy look in my eyes, “I LOVE being single! I never want a relationship! Relationships are for the weak! Look at HOW MUCH FUN I AM HAVING!!”
Sitting in my pajamas, eating a vat of ice cream while watching When Harry Met Sally and sobbing about how lonely and empty my life is.

I’m here to tell you that while I am neither of these things, this is not going to be one of those posts, which always seem to wreak of desperation to me, where I list 10 things that are SO GREAT about being single, including things like “you get to watch whatever TV you like!” and “you can sleep sideways on the bed!”

I’d say that I am a (fairly) confident woman who has a pretty great life, full of meaningful work, a large support network of friends, and a loving family. I’m not going to go on and on about how great my life is, but I will say this: I recently made a huge life decision, on my own, to change careers and move back to my hometown. I’ve never made a better decision, and honestly, this move is one of the things I’m most proud of in my adult life, because I took a deep breath and took a huge, terrifying step to follow my dreams (ugh, cheesy, I know). And guess what, it worked out! I love being home more than I could ever imagine, my work is immensely fulfilling and I have managed to build a wonderful group of new friends.

However, I’d also say I’m a woman who finds herself occasionally lonely, would like to eventually find a long-term partner, and (hardest of all) sometimes can’t hear herself think because of the pounding noise of her biological clock.

I do actually fall much more into the first description of myself, and work really hard to both focus on my life and not internalize all the negative stereotypes we are fed about single women and remain confident that the things that I would like to see in my future will happen.

That is pretty hard some days, and in my experience, the hardest thing about being single in your 30s is not actually being single, it’s putting up with the constant barrage of comments and pressure to “find someone” and “be happy” (with the inference that if you are single, you must be miserable), almost all of which come from women.

I am here to tell you, when you are single in your 30s, people feel like they can say ANYTHING to you. Here’s a quick sample of some of the lovely advice and wisdom passed onto me in the last few years from partnered or married women:

“You should think about freezing your eggs.”
“So, I was talking to some friends of mine who are adopting a child…have you thought about adoption?” (said to me at the ripe old age of 31)
“But wouldn’t you like to have someone to do things with so you don’t get lonely?”
“You are so pretty, why aren’t you married?”
“Don’t worry, girl, we’ll find you a man.”
“I hope that you will still hang out with us when we all have babies.”

But perhaps the worst example of this happened to one of my closest friends, Jessica. She’s tall, beautiful, and incredibly smart and driven. In her mid-30s, she quit her lucrative job and switched careers to open her own business (which is now thriving). All of this to say: She rocks and her life is anything but empty. A few months ago, she was out to eat with a recently married friend, Lacey. At the end of the dinner, Lacey told Jessica that everyone was worried about her because she wasn’t dating, and then proceeded to grab her by the shoulders and shake her while saying, “What are you going to do” over and over. In Lacey’s mind, Jessica’s single status was akin to some sort of flesh-eating disease that, if unchecked, would eventually consume her in some awful way.

While the insensitive remarks can sting, what’s harder for me to take are the people who think that they somehow have the right to tell me that it is my fault that I am not yet partnered. Over the years, at times when I haven’t been in a relationship, several friends have given me lectures on how I just need to “go out more” or “put myself out there more,” with no real idea of how much effort I might be putting into meeting someone, with no real results.

A few years ago, one of my closest friends, who is married, gave me such a lecture (which reduced me to tears). Since then, she’s had some fertility struggles, and a few weeks ago, out of the blue, she apologized for that lecture, because she finally realized just how awful it felt to want something, and to be actively striving for something (hello, online dating) and to have someone imply that if you just DID MORE that thing would immediately materialize. Not once have these “talks” made me feel empowered to “do more,” instead, they reinforce my biggest insecurities and fears.

I’m embarrassed to admit, but sometimes all this stuff makes me question my own happiness. These days, I feel like life is pretty great. But then some awful remark happens and the self-doubt creeps in: “Wow, are you really happy? How can you be when you’re single? You must be kidding yourself. You are a loser.” And then of course the inevitable happens: I begin to covet other people’s lives—specifically married women with children. I project my own insecurities onto them, and imagine that their lives must be so perfect, forgetting that there is no real way to know what’s really going on in someone’s life. I usually snap out of that within several hours, but still, it’s a pattern I wish I didn’t have and one I work daily to try and break.

I always wonder what compels partnered women to make hurtful or patronizing remarks to single women. Is it because they really think they’re doing us a service? Do they really believe my life is empty? Or are they trying to justify their own life choices? There’s probably not one answer to that question—but with a divorce rate at 50 percent, what is it about marriage that still compels people, especially women, to feel that it is the end-all-be-all of happiness and success?

Along those same lines: Why is it socially acceptable to comment on someone’s single status, but definitely not OK to comment on someone’s relationship? There have been many times when someone has said something offensive to me, and I will look at their relationship and wish that I could fire something judgmental back. Some of the people who have said the worst things to me are the ones in the most dysfunctional relationships: married to a raging alcoholic who abuses pets while drunk, a patronizing and controlling man, or a man who refuses to communicate in any real way. Are we so enamored with the idea of marriage that we believe that any marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, is better than singledom?

Of course, the complicating factor in all of this is the biological clock issue. While I find myself content and fulfilled most of the time, I know that I do want children, and that I have a finite amount of time to make that happen. But at this point, I know that I do still have some time, and that obsessing over every day that my ovaries could be potentially drying up doesn’t actually cause fertilization, and that instead, it’s healthier to recognize the time issue, to try and actively date but to not become fixated on a specific year by which I should have a baby. And then I have a contingency plan that if there comes an age where I feel like it’s time, and I’m not partnered, I will explore my options.

I don’t have any grandiose conclusions to this piece. Instead, I offer this: I think that women, both partnered and single, would benefit from being more honest about the joys and struggles that come with either situation. How wonderful for a single woman to talk about some of the struggles of being single without being automatically judged as miserable, or to be able to share her happiness without someone thinking or saying “Yes, but you don’t have a man.” Conversely, how wonderful for a married woman to be able to admit she sometimes longs for alone time, or that sometimes marriage is difficult.

I also want to emphasize that I’m not anti-relationship or anti-love. I believe in love—all kinds of love—and I know its transformative power. I feel like I’m surrounded by love in my own life. And I have plenty of friends who are in (mostly) happy and healthy relationships with wonderful men.

One last thing: I decided to write this under a pen name because while I think this is a subject that needs to be addressed, there is a part of me that feels like I will be judged as a “bitter single woman.” And the fact that I have that fear, despite knowing that I’m anything but, does make me sad.

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Posted in Dating, Life, nfti-home, Singledom, Womanhood

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TS
05/07/12 at 02:30 AM #
I can totally identify with this article…………I am 32 years old, and On Monday my boyfriend recently broke up with me. We were together for 5 years. He was desperate for me to move with him. I was working on my doctorate degree and teaching at a university. I loved my job, and felt unsure about moving without a job, health insurance, or retirment. He got tired of waiting. I have cried so much this week. It’s not really that I am afraid of being alone, as it is, that I trusted him and thought we could get through anything together. So, this article did help me, I know I am not alone, and that there are other single people out there too!
Sz
04/26/12 at 06:21 AM #
I like your article! It depicts how women at thirties are facing, that’s how I think.
And I feel that happiness depends on the person themselves and it doesn’t matter if you are single or married. And what matters is — you live your own life!
C
03/14/12 at 04:16 PM #
Parkey and Mark – you’re very rare men. You appear to be the only men in the world who appreciate this type of honesty from a woman. And Moka-Frap: I can relate to EVERYTHING you wrote…thank you for your note. Guys – perhaps you can tell your other male counterparts that just because women (like myself and the author) are of a certain age, unmarried and childless does not mean that we have major issues or are not worth getting to know. Yes many of us took time to pursue our education and careers. And there is nothing wrong with that – in this day and age we can’t afford to not be able to take care of ourselves. But many of us also thought along the way that our lives would naturally progress and in time we would become wives and mothers too. But life simply doesn’t follow the plans we may have laid out for ourselves. Now we can either choose to be desperate and beg for anyone to love us or we can love ourselves and live until we find a mate who wants to be a part of our lives. I for one have never wanted to settle for a man I can “live with” – if I’m meant to have a partner I want a man that makes me feel I don’t want to live without him at my side. I’ve never been one to judge married people or singles – sure wish people I’ve never met would stop judging me because I choose to try and be content with the hand I’ve been dealt. I encourage all to live your best life no matter the path you choose to walk. And if you can’t say something supportive to others who travel a different path from you then try to refrain from saying anything at all.
Mark
02/29/12 at 01:46 PM #
Dear Bailey,

You are not alone! I know it seems like you are or that even only women have to deal with this issue – guys don’t think about this stuff.. Look, you’ve got it pretty tough -I say most guys are jerks. There are plenty of unevolved idiots and misogynists out there. Thoughtful, kind, sweet guys are out there, some of whom haven’t found that special someone either. When the time is right, it’ll happen.

As a man, I certainly don’t have the societal pressures you have (and people vocalizing it to me regularly) or even the exact same biological imperative you do. But believe me when I tell you you are not alone.

Though I have a few years on you, I still haven’t met the right girl, or the timing just wasn’t right – which is a real thing. II too have thought that I’d be blessed to have kids and really do want a family someday; I also thought I’d have one by now but with the well known divorce rate, I never wanted to make a go of it until it was really right.

See, I want to marry my best friend. I always thought that that’s the best way, certainly the only way I’d do it. She & I against the world..no matter what life brings us, together we can triumph over anything as long as we have each other. For a while now, however, it seems a solid relationship has been elusive. And though I know of plenty of men that have had kids at 55, in their 60’s and even 70’s— Mick Jagger, Luciano Pavarotti and Rupert Murdoch for instance— the thought of being Sixty when my kid goes to college is well, not super awesome for me. I know it’s not a huge deal, but it’s real. Even if I’m not fortunate enough to have kids I know at some point I want to meet and fall in love with a woman and create a terrific life with her.

So, we hear, “when it’s meant to be it’ll happen.” And that’s not just some cliche we say to ourselves to ameliorate our longing so we feel better. But what’s the alternative—thinking you’re relegated to an unfulfilled life devoid of true happiness a hunched over shell of a woman rolling her folding grocery basket to the dollar store for 3 cases of Feline Friskies? Tell me, what good does that do you? Nothing. They say ‘You get the love you make,’ so remain the positive, smart, and happy well adjusted girl you seem to be and while you’re busy putting all that into the universe, I promise it’ll come back to you. Maybe not in exact the time You want, but it will’ come back to you. You seem way to smart, funny and fun to become the 80 year old crazy lady who talks to herself and has 27 cats named after characters from Broadway musicals.

Look, maybe we’re just a couple of softy’s, Romantics at heart. Or perhaps it’s something else altogether. Either way, it doesn’t matter the gender, many of us are living our lives with wonderful circle of people around us waiting to meet that special someone living their great life so that we may fold our two lives together and embark on a new chapter of happiness and fulfillment. So keep living your awesome successful great life with your terrific family & friends. When it’s meant to be, it’ll happen – likely when you least expect it.
Jeanette
02/27/12 at 06:07 AM #
Thank you for writing such an honest and articulate article! You have managed to express how I feel so eloquently; it’s nice to know that I am not alone and that I am in good company.
Emily
02/22/12 at 06:27 PM #
This article really helped me. I am so glad that single women are posting this. It makes me feel like I’m not completely alone. And somewhat empowered to be a single woman who does not have to rely on a man. Thanks so much!
Bea
02/16/12 at 05:42 PM #
This is a wonderful article, and I hope that you absorb as much of it as you express (I know you are the author, living it, but sometimes we talk and express thoughts without actually feeling them).
Most of my friends were married or mothers in their 20s, and although I never felt judged for not being a mother yet, I think they acted like superior beings who had it all together. Now that I am a wife & mother, I am thinking, wth, this is not all rainbows & sunshine. I have daily struggles and survival methods for both motherhood and marriage. I am suppose to say it is worth all the sacrifices, time, money and most days it is.
But honestly if I was transported back 10 years, I would be a happily single 34 yr. old, instead of an exhausted, servant-like 34 yr. old mom & wife. Cheers and good luck to whatever you really want in life, but don’t let judgment from others make that choice for you.
Rachel
02/09/12 at 08:35 PM #
Thank you! I’ve been trolling the internet trying to find a honest article that tackles the “30-single-and-not-always-happy-about-it” angle. There’s tonnes out there about being single in your 30s and being outrageously happy and successful. But what about those of us who would love to have children? Those of us who are confident, well-rounded, and generally happy people who just can’t find someone to date, never mind share life with. Are there others out there like me who just don’t seem to attract any male attention, despite our friends and colleagues assurances that we’re a “great catch”?

I’m at the stage where everyone surrounding me is starting their families. I’m not invited to the couples get togethers, I’m out of the loop on the pregnancy conversations, and I can’t join in with others when they make plans for family outings. I feel like the proverbial old maid on the shelf. I might look like I’m making the best of things with all my activities and friends – and sure, that’s all great. But each time I see my friend’s growing belly or hear about another pregnancy, my heart breaks.

I know I’m supposed to believe that I’ll be attractive if I have a good attitude and keep smiling. I know I’m supposed to keep my chin up and believe that love will come. But I can’t help asking, “what’s so wrong with me that not one man desires me?” I tell you one thing, I’m not doing this forever. If I’m still single when I hit 40, all bets are off.
Adaya
02/07/12 at 06:15 PM #
In my experience, those that harp on the happiness of their relationship (real or imagined) see that as the one positive point they have over someone who is single successful and fabulous. It’s like a skinny woman saying in the middle of a plus-sized store, “I have to get out of here and be around normal sizes!” (And incidentally, that did happen to me.)

I’ve chosen a child-free life for myself, but as a woman one benefit you have is that sperm is cheap and easy to get as opposed to a surrogate for a man that is unpartnered. Definately have a plan and don’t hesitate to put it into action when the time comes. Sieze the life you want and all the blessings are yours to have!!
Rania Hammoud
02/07/12 at 08:02 AM #
very interesting indeed!!! here’s my side of story and what I get because I’m single
https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150243686310775

What I like mostly is the voice tone of those women who talk to u in a way that they made it where you have failed :) whereas, if you give them 5 more minutes, they will start complaining about their life and their spouse! keep enjoying your life, as I am doing till I meet someone without whom I will feel my life empty, if ever! Otherwise, I’m in perfect company with myself ;)
Max
02/06/12 at 04:02 PM #
I am a single male in my 30s and I have dated many women just like the author, and I always ditch them. I am now running my own business and it’s in my head 25 hours a day, I don’t have time to date. I am not stupid, I knew it would be like this. In the past when meeting a woman who is focused on her career I knew she would not have time for a relationship. I’m not going to set myself up for failure by chasing a woman who is focused on something else.
The ‘biological clock’ comment usually comes out pretty quick too. She wants kids and that requires a man who is a good provider. I am sane, I do not know if I want kids yet. I won’t know until I have been in a good relationship for a few years.
The attitude from women has to change so men know where you stand. You’re happy now or you’re not. If you are happy now, why would you try to change anything? Don’t try the ‘want vs need’ argument, they always turn out to be the same thing.
moka-frap
02/06/12 at 02:23 AM #
Geeez- I was just having this conversation with a friend (and myself, lol) just the other day and 700 other times before it seems. So flipping tired of beating myself up and explaining to my elderly aunts why/why/why I’m still single! Pleez don’t feel bad(any of you reading this), add that I am african/american and the media loves to put a crappy spin on how me and the sistahs can’t find a man—hey its just a sign of the times. What I learned from the article is that whatever state ur in single or otherwise: FIND THE HAPPYNESS, bcz Lord knows it could be worse smilin
Kathy
02/05/12 at 10:51 PM #
That was an interesting article. The responses were also good. One of the responders said that women should stop judging each other. Yes, it would be nice if that would happen, but women won’t stop judging each other until they stop playing by patriarchy’s rules.
Mark
02/05/12 at 11:47 AM #
People who give unwanted advice are speaking of themselves, their own fears and self judgment that live in them. Transference or projection. They don’t know you.
Proud to be single, but sometimes lonely
02/04/12 at 02:09 AM #
This was so refreshing to read! I am in my late 20’s and am about to be six years single. It’s difficult to watch my friends getting married and have children, especially strange because I have no desire to have children or get married. But yet deep inside me I feel this strong sense of loneliness and I don’t know why because I am surrounded by a wonderful family and tons of friends, not including my blossoming career. Thanks for the words and lifting my spirits tonight! <3
M
02/02/12 at 07:43 PM #
This is such a fantastic, thoughtful, meaningful, and extremely well-written article. And very relatable. I wish you the best of luck in reaching all of your hopes and dreams and I can relate to the position that you are in.
Laura
02/02/12 at 05:02 PM #
Thank you for this article :) I am happily married but I didn’t get married until I was 38 (gasp!) until I met my wonderful husband, I always figured I would be single and I was okay with that—I had a good career, great hobbies and friends, I was happy. I now have a girlfriend whose is recently divorced after a very short marriage. I need “Leslie” to read this article, she is soo desperately wanting a man/boyfriend, that she needs someone in her life to define her and then she makes really bad choices, she just can’t do the “single” thing. I wish I could get thru to her that’s “okay to be single” and she might meet the right one the minute she stops looking so hard.
Kate
02/02/12 at 03:25 PM #
YES. I am 29 and have a million and one examples of family and friends giving me a “poor you” face and telling me I needed to find someone to be happy. And it caused me to question my own happiness, too. I feel like I could have written this exact article – especially after an aunt told me she was praying for me to find a boyfriend. I was putting myself out there too, via setups and online dating, and they didn’t understand the frustrations of meeting many perfectly nice men and having no connection. I firmly believe singledom is far superior to the wrong relationship. And Anne Marie is right, timing and luck are everything. I ended up starting a blog about dating, showing the humor and frustrations of what goes on out there in the dating world. It turns out there are a ton of girls like us, and the support I got for being honest and out there about my experiences was awesome. No shame in holding out for the best.
Sam
02/02/12 at 02:52 PM #
I am a 30-something married woman with kids who also works full-time. I have never commented on my single friends’ single status- unless one of them has brought the subject of dating up, and then my reply is simply to offer encouragement. However, I routinely get judgmental comments from unmarried working women about my choice to have kids and I routinely get judgmental comments from stay-at-home moms about my choice to work. However you look at it, women need to stop judging each other.
Jennifer
01/31/12 at 10:57 AM #
I was almost 30 by the time I decided to stop internalizing “all the negative stereotypes we are fed about single women”. It’s a tough job that never seems to end.