ROLE / REBOOT - Make Sense of Men and Women

Life

My Fat, Beautiful Body

By Jenn Leyva

February 13, 2012

Without fail at noon on every Friday, 30 minutes before my beginning ballet class starts, a mixture of fear and dread ooze into my mind. It starts when I think of getting dressed for class. Despite a well-stocked closet, I am never content with my choices. I spend 20 minutes scouring my closet for a garment that doesn't exist—I am looking for something that will make me invincible. Exasperated, I leave wearing the same men's gym shorts and oversized t-shirt. My nerves don't get any better once I get to class. I am scared to look at my body in a mirror; I am scared to compare my body to my peers. I try to stand in the back rows as far away from the mirrors as possible, and I still occasionally catch a glimpse of my double chin. Or my belly escaping the drapery of my shirt. I am scared that even after working at accepting my body and fighting tooth and nail to get those around me to change their actions and opinions, I will see something repulsive. I can't get through a weekly dance class without having to give myself pep talks. It takes all that I can muster to remind myself that I am beautiful and, more importantly, worthy of being in that class. It takes all that I have to remind myself that I love my body and that I can take pleasure in moving it. I can take pleasure and find beauty in my body.

I loathe classifying these problems (yes, I acknowledge that they're problems) as "body image" problems. "Body image" isn't really about the image of bodies. It's about the holistic relationships we have with our bodies. It's about how bodies look, how they move, what they feel like, and how we treat them. Even if we ignore semantics, conversations about body image almost always come down to health. Most conversations I've had about body image blame the media and advertising for exposing young girls to impossible standards in order to sell products. But more than selling products, these images drive people to unhealthy habits—crash diets, disordered eating, and sometimes even more dramatic actions like diet pills and self-harm. 

And yet many of these behaviors have been recommended to me by health professionals. You see, I'm fat. Not "does this dress make me look fat?" fat, but eligible-for-weight-loss-surgery morbidly obese deathfat. I've been fat for as long as I can remember, but the first time I remember my size being an issue was at a check-up. I was 8 years old, and after plotting my height and weight in one of those grids, my pediatrician had one of those "talks" with my parents and me. I was too heavy for my height and age, so he presented me with a Xeroxed list of 10 "helpful tips" for eating. 

It was meant to be innocuous, but I became obsessed with that sheet of paper. It was the first time I saw my body as a personal failing, and that list was the way to redeem myself. I followed the rules to a tee, and yet I didn't get any smaller. That  simple piece of paper was only the beginning. My adolescence was filled with appointments with doctors and nutritionists, medically facilitated crash diets, and crying fits in dressing rooms. My doctors pathologzied my body, and I believed them. I believed that my fat body meant that I was overeating, even when I would leave the dinner table hungry. I believed that I was lazy, unkempt, untrustworthy. I couldn’t trust myself.

I can't rely on a conventional understanding of health to fix my body image issues because my body image issues stem from those conventional understandings of health. To find peace with my body I've had to reject mainstream medical wisdom. I screen my health care professionals, and I set firm boundaries. I am not interested in weight loss, and I will not step on a scale. I don't care about a new diet regimen; I care about eating. I've learned to love my body—I love the look of my body; I love the way my squishy, soft flesh feels. I have embraced my fat. I do this because I care about my body. I care less about the image of my body, and I care more about my relationship to my body. 

When I stand at the barre to begin my weekly ballet class, I am reminded that loving my body is both difficult and important. As we go through the usual warm-up routine I feel my muscles stretch and flex. I am present in my body, and I appreciate the grace and flow of movements. As we transition into leaps and jumps, I am reminded of that power in my body. My hearty legs can push my body in the air again and again in rapid succession. I land easily each time.

I am still scared that even after working to accept my body I will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and find something ugly. So far, I've only seen my body. My fat, beautiful body. 

When Jenn Leyva was 16, her dad told her that he'd buy her a car if she lost weight. She cried, finished her calculus homework, and is now a New York based fat activist and a senior at Columbia studying biochemistry. She authors Fat and the Ivy, a fat blog about social justice, feminism, science, health, and fa(t)shion.

Photo by Liz Naiden

Related Links:

Posted in Life, nfti-home, Pop Culture, Womanhood

« Back

Share
Print

Comments

  • Since birth...
    05/09/12 at 01:35 PM #

    So I started at 9lbs 11ozs and now I am at 300lbs, and turning 49 in a few days I am mortified that walking from one room to another winds me, I hate the tought of going shopping because I will be in pain walking. I KNOW what I should do but I have the best /worst Partner in my life who is of normal weight and size and has a beautiful body, who loves to eat good food, food that I cook and have over the course of our 12 year relationship.
    I had been refered for lap band surgery and when I got the letter for the orientation, my Partner was visably not as excited as I was! I tried so many times to discuss it but he would not, until one day we went out for dinner and he said that this would stop once I had the surgery and everything that we enjoy would stop too. At that moment in time I changed my mind and said that he was right and agreed not to have the surgery, to save my relationship. He loves big women and hates that I would be thin!
    I am so at odds with this whole thing and so unhealthy in body and mind, I wish that there was an easy answer but I know the only answer is to loose the weight and risk loosing the mane that I love!
    Sooo heart sick!

  • Sarah
    04/17/12 at 11:07 PM #

    I’m also a ballet dancer, and can totally identify with the mirror thing. I’m considered normal in the “real world” at 5’3 and 108 pounds, but in ballet I’m considered fat. I think everyone should enjoy ballet, whether or not their body meets the Balanchine ideal.

  • Shoshie
    03/05/12 at 11:25 AM #

    Beautiful, beautiful piece. You are not alone.

  • Ellie
    02/26/12 at 02:56 PM #

    What a wonderful story. I too have been “plump” all of my life. In America you have to be thin – in my time it was Twiggy who was popular. I couldn’t be her. Everyone told me I had a beautiful face and if I lost weight I’d be beautiful. Well, I met this wonderful man who didn’t care if I was stick thin or not. We have been married for 43 years and he still doesn’t care. He loves me for who I am not what I am. If your looking for man out there my only wish for you is that you find one just like I did.

  • who cares
    02/26/12 at 02:09 PM #

    big is beautiful so much more to love there is someone for everyone

  • A
    02/26/12 at 12:00 PM #

    I am so happy that you are working on loving yourself the way you are.

    I do want you to realize though that as a child, it was your parents responsibility to make sure you were eating good foods that would prevent you from overeating or eating unhealthy. They did the grocery shopping and they allowed whatever food in the house. They were supposed to teach you healthy eating, and I am sorry and sad that you felt it was your fault or responsibility as a child to be in control of that.

    I strongly strongly encourage you to listen to Jillian Micheals podcasts. They are free on itunes and I know they will mean a lot to you.

    Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

    There is no shame it in, they can help you with the right things to tell yourself when it comes to dealing with body image.

    I see a therapist for body image as well, and it has helped more than any amount of trying to exercise or eat right (though I am working on those too).

    I do still hope you understand the importance of eating right and exercising. If you feel bad about yourself in the ballet class, maybe you should try something else. It sounds like you are forcing yourself to go and it is hard on you.

    I work out at home with dvds and I love it.

    I can go at my own pace and stop for water breaks without feeling guilty.

    You don’t have to diet, you can simply make smart food choices.

    Loving your body doesn’t mean you can’t take care of it.

    Everyone should eat right and exercise no matter what their weight.

    But hiding your weight from yourself and your Dr. Is only denying something that could be a health related issue. Would you tell a woman who might have breast cancer that she shouldn’t get a mamogram because she might no like the result?

    I would hope not. The same goes with weight. Don’t let a heart attack or diabetes problem sneak up on you because you are avoiding a truth about your health.

    By all means love yourself for how you are now.

    But continue to keep yourself healthy and make yourself healthier for your quality of life.

  • happy to have read this...
    02/26/12 at 11:00 AM #

    your honesty is so refreshing…I too have almost all of the issues you mention regarding mirrors, clothes and drs..I recently had such a bad ear infection I let go for three weeks straight..to the point of having to sleep on a towel to absorb what leaked during the night..why? because I didn’t want to be weighed at the dr or wear a hospital gown made of paper that didnt fit and tore apart when I moved…when it became unbearable I went…when they asked me to step on the scale I simply said “no thank you” and walked by it…when they left me the paper gown big enough to fit my 7 year old I left it there and didnt change .. when they took my blood pressure it was high..the dr brought it up…I told him they used a cuff that was too small … he glanced at me…walked out..came back with a larger one (some don’t know they exist)…redid my blood pressure and smiled..it was 117/80.. perfect…he asked me why I waited so long and that any longer would have required iv antibiotics…he wasn’t sure I didn’t already need them..so I told him..I was avoiding the scale and the piece of paper gown..he looked horrified and apologized for the insensitivity of medical professionals and shook my hand and congratulated me on using my voice..the infection cleared up…but spread to my eye and required a second antibiotic…the second appt went alot smoother :-)

  • Dolores
    02/26/12 at 10:39 AM #

    I’ve been fat and I’ve been reasonably thin. Even in my younger (somewhat) slim days I FELT fat. I know the discrimination experienced by fatties. I actually accepted it. And I was told my life would be shortened. I am 76 years old, still fat, and still kicking. God bless you.







  • tabbycat
    02/23/12 at 07:10 PM #

    It’s interesting that we treat being fat as if it were incurable; yet I rarely if ever see a fat person in suffering countries where food is scarce. I’m fat (again) and hate looking in the mirror. It isn’t beautiful…that’s lying to yourself.
    Two years ago, I was alone for 3 weeks and basically stopped eating, since I didnt’ have to prepare food for someone else. I lost 15 pounds, looked BEAUTIFUL and FELT great. You can’t talk me or anyone else out of the facts. Fat isn’t beautiful. And I’m taking responsibility for the wine and overindulgence that put it back on my body.

  • NIcole
    02/19/12 at 09:18 PM #

    I too found it hard to read as I haven’t looked at myself in a full length mirror in well over 10 years. I avoid reflective surfaces and shudder when I do catch a glimpse.. I have tried to combat my fears as I know I’m not ugly and that the extra weight is just that, extra weight. However, the fear overrides everything in me and I still avoid mirrors. Thank you for this piece, it helped me realize that there are others out there with the same fears that I have.. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone…

  • Kris
    02/19/12 at 06:42 PM #

    Thank you so much, positive fat role models are needed. There is so much I want, need, to say.

    I am 38 now, have been fat my whole life. I was 5 years old and put into Weight Watchers, which at the time was the most loving thing my parents thought they could do for their little girl. Little did they know…

    It made me sad to not be like my friends, not “normal.” Despite tremendous educational and professional successes, that sadness stayed with me most of my life. My life was food-obsessed, never having developed any kind of healthy relationship with food, eating habits, or emotions around food. (My family really had no idea how to deal with a fat daughter… And they still don’t.)

    Now, after several years of therapy, mostly focused on re-forming those emotional relationships with food, discovering what food was really replacing in my life, and learning positive self-talk, my own body image truly is becoming a positive one. I’m not that sad little girl as much any more. And the most ironic thing? My body size is shrinking faster than it ever has on any diet I tried over the years.

    Acceptance is a powerful thing.

  • Marian
    02/19/12 at 05:28 PM #

    It would seem much easier to accept my fat body , if I new it didn`t bother others so much. I find it easier to accept myself in the shelter of these four walls we call home. I can totally relate to what your saying. It shouldn`t be this way….but it is .

    Love another big beautiful woman to another :)

  • Toni
    02/19/12 at 09:44 AM #

    Though your post was difficult for me to read, I did so twice. I can say that I totally identify with the image in the mirror thing (only in yoga instead of ballet) and how am I going to react to it..so far it’s mixed..though many times I am disturbed…I guess there is hope though, that if I continue to work along the path of acceptance, it will get better! thank you.

  • MaryB
    02/19/12 at 09:29 AM #

    So beautiful and inspiring. May you dance on…and on and on!

  • rach
    02/19/12 at 12:08 AM #

    You are absolutely beautiful, & I applaud you for knowing it. Much love to you!

  • Deb McCafferty
    02/17/12 at 10:45 PM #

    Beautifully written, wonderful post!!

  • Glenda
    02/17/12 at 10:16 PM #

    Profound, honest and utterly inspiring.

  • Theresa Bakker
    02/17/12 at 12:34 PM #

    Thank you for this wonderful post. It really strikes a chord with me, as I have gone through the same emotional stuff as you when I’m in the gym. More power to you!
    Theresa
    The Fat Personal Trainer
    http://www.biggirlsworkout.com

  • Linda Bacon
    02/16/12 at 09:13 PM #

    Inspirational. Always pains me to recognize how much the medical establishment contributes to dis-ease and makes health harder to achieve. And awes me to see your strength in recognizing this and rejecting their “wisdom.” Rock on…

  • BeckahB
    02/16/12 at 02:15 AM #

    Yoi have inspired me to find my strength and learn to love my body instead of punishing it for not being what I dream it could be. You are amazing.