Does watching porn ruin marriages? Are porn users more likely to have unrealistic expectations of their partners? Do all women hate porn? Do all men love porn? These are all questions Vicki Larson takes on (with only minimal success) in her piece on the Huffington Post.
Larson’s piece is problematic, but it does get the reader thinking about the role of porn in relationships and marriages. Although the tone is questionable and some of her reporting is problematic (using a 2003 statistic about the role of porn in divorces and then talking how this number is rapidly increasing leaves the reader wondering what the numbers are in 2011–updated data is vital to making this a legitimate argument) Larson’s argument about using “porn addiction” as a scapegoat for other issues is a compelling one.
However, the tone of the article struck me as having a “girl who’s down with the boys” feel, especially when Larson writes, “I happen to like porn, but a lot of women get tweaked by porn in part because they think their partner is comparing them to Jenna Jameson and other porn stars; we can be competitive — or insecure — when it comes to other attractive women…” This smacks of a woman who uses her chumminess with men (read: extreme need for attention or lack of respect for women) to put other women down. I don’t necessarily agree that women are “tweaked” by porn because they’re competitive or insecure when it comes to other women, attractive or not. This is just playing into the stereotype that women can’t get along because they’re always competing with one another. Sure, sometimes women are jealous or insecure. And sometimes men are jealous or insecure. Insecurity and jealousy are likely not the only reason some women might dislike porn.
It feels like Larson is trying to prove she’s down to hang with the boys because she doesn’t hate porn and she’s open to a threesome with George Clooney and Brad Pitt (which I can’t actually believe is a point she uses in her argument–she moves from talking about the very real use of surgically-altered bodies in porn to sleeping with movie stars as a hypothetical). This tone would likely turn away many female readers. I don’t want to read an article by someone who sounds like she doesn’t like me. Why would anyone listen to someone who already dislikes them? This makes it difficult to see Larson’s piece as a good opener for discussion and can only contribute to the hesitation to talk about porn publicly.
Larson missed a chance to make an important point after writing “there’s just no way most of us are going to have perfect breasts and butts, and the sexual responses a porn star does.” Instead of looking critically at standards of beauty or how sexual responsiveness is presented in porn, she instead suggests says that “normal” people will never be as desirable as porn stars. So we should stop trying? Hmmm. It seems like this would have been a good place to begin a discussion about the porn industry being called to represent real people. But alas.
Addressing the way sex is represented in porn films might be a good place to begin the discussion. If people are being disappointed in real life because sex and sexual encounters with real people don’t match what they see in porn then maybe it’s time to call for a change in the way sex is represented. Or to talk about fantasy versus reality.
Larson’s point about using “porn addiction” as an out for talking about why a marriage might be failing is solid and an interesting one. Many couples may use porn as an excuse for their unhealthy relationship. Instead of facing difficult truths like a lack of intimacy, a lack of communication, or a lack of time, blaming “porn addiction” for relationship failure is an easy path to explain away or write off what is obviously a more complicated problem. Allowing “porn addiction” to become a common excuse for divorce probably only masks problems that have existed in relationships from the beginning of time.
There’s no real need to blame porn for the failings of any marriage. I’ll take a stand here and say that I don’t believe that porn is to blame for failures in most relationships. Although there are more people blaming porn for things not working out, it’s a convenient excuse. I can’t condone porn outright, as the unrealistic projections of sexuality and beauty I mentioned above, plus working standards for those in the porn industry are important points that should be addressed. However, I think that porn has become a controversial topic that makes it an easy scapegoat for issues. Religious-based organizations like www.XXXchurch.com (seriously, check it out), which strive to help people with “porn addiction” and condemn all uses of pornography, only add fuel to the firestorm of blame. It’s also important to note that, according to the DSM, there is no such thing as “porn addiction.”
Do you agree? Am I missing an important point of Larson’s? Do you think that porn contributes to divorce? Is porn a part of healthy relationships?
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