“Childfree” is defined by Wikipedia as thus:
“… ’voluntary childlessness’ is a form of childlessness. The term was coined in the English language late in the 20th century and is used to describe people who have made a personal decision not to have children… The meaning of the term childfree extends to encompass the children of others (in addition to one’s own children) and this distinguishes it further from the more usual term ‘childless,’ which is traditionally used to express the idea of having no children, whether by choice or by circumstance.“
I first began to identify as childfree when I was 32, and made the decision to stop looking for a husband to help me reproduce. I had just ended a four-year-long relationship with a man who was very nice, but wasn’t the type of person with whom I could see building a future. I found myself suddenly single for the first time in my 30s, and felt pressure to meet someone and start reproducing right away. I was running out of time! The world was running out of single men in my age range! Most of the good men I met were already married, and most of the bad men I met were married and looking for someone to fool around with.
When I was in high school, I had become an evangelical Christian. When I was in college, I had become a zealous feminist. After college, I repented of all my wayward philosophical wanderings and just focused on trying to start a family with someone special. But it turned out that my someones were not all that special. I was constantly looking for someone whose life goals lined up with mine, and I didn’t really bother to notice how well we got along or how much I actually liked the person.
As I moved from one long-term monogamous relationship to the next, I realized I had no idea what kind of partner I wanted, what kind of partner I wanted to be, or what kind of family I wanted to have. I had never just dated someone because I enjoyed their company. I looked for the good Christian partner or the good feminist partner or the partner who was looking to settle down. But none of those things seemed to make me happy.
So at 32, I decided I didn’t need to get married and have kids. And suddenly I was filled with relief. I realized how much I was dreading the 5am feedings, the endless homework, and the years of being someone else’s free chauffeur. I realized it was something I assumed I would do, not something I particularly wanted to do. I realized that I was free to date whoever I was attracted to, and to stop worrying what kind of wage earner/father he would be. I felt like I finally allowed myself to have fun dating.
When I was 36, my decision to be childfree was moved from theoretical idea to concrete practice when I lost 90% of my ovarian tissue in a surgery to remove some cysts. I did feel sad to say goodbye to the potential of having children, but it also felt right for me.
Now, I’m definitely NOT saying that people shouldn’t have children or that children are bad or that I don’t like children. Children are wonderful, and I think people who want children should pursue their family goals with the same vigor and intent they would pursue any major life goal. I was surprised when I realized that it wasn’t something I wanted, but I am not at all surprised that it is something that many people do want.
All that being said: Can parents and childfree people date? On the outside, it seems as though these two groups have a few major conflicts in lifestyle and would be better off leaving one another alone. After I began to identify as childfree, I noticed that single dads started referring to me as “not a dating option” or simply as a “child hater.” I am certainly not a child hater, but I suppose that for some single dads I wouldn’t be a dating option. I began to wonder if maybe I should stop dating dads altogether. I, however, have never given up so easily. In fact, some of the best relationships I have had were with dads.
I feel that whenever a relationship like this starts, it is good to acknowledge the differences in the beginning. For me, it usually starts with acknowledging that this relationship will probably not be permanent and primary. Parents usually want a partner to parent with, and childfree people usually want to live away from children. And if this casual relationship is to change to something permanent and primary, it is up to the childfree person to change. A childfree person can change their mind about living around and parenting children. A parent cannot (and should not) change their mind about parenting the children they already have.
What I’ve gotten from dating parents is a different view of the world. I understand that a person’s worldview changes when suddenly they are not the most important person in their own lives anymore. And when I’ve been in a relationship with a parent, they’ve always been very patient when listening to me talk about what’s going on in my life, and helping me put the important and not-so-important things into perspective.
I’ve also gotten some lovely exposure to children. I choose to have very few children in my life, but I don’t hate children. I love talking to them because they have fewer limits on how they see the world. One child once gave me a beautiful interpretation of a tattoo that I have; one child once gave me the idea of figuring out who I would want to put on my own Mount Rushmore. They inspire creativity and imagination in me, something my life sometimes lacks.
What I’ve heard that parents get from me is a reminder that it is OK to focus on themselves every once in a while. When their children are safely tucked away for a few hours, they can let go and remember what it was like to live only for themselves and only in the moment. I can give them a space that is free from homework, eating restrictions, and child-safe language.
We often talk about the good parts of being a parent, but as a non-parent, I can listen to them talk about the challenging parts of parenting or their ambiguous feelings about becoming a parent without judgment. I can honestly tell them, “I don’t know how you do it. I’d go crazy with that many responsibilities.”
I feel that the only good reason to not date someone is because you don’t want to. With enough honest communication and a willingness to go forward without a certain destination in mind, some major gaps in lifestyle can be overcome. Don’t allow perceived differences in the beginning stop you from moving forward in affection and adventure. Who knows? You might even find love.
Adaya Adler is a jacqueline-of-all-trades and has worked many jobs from Fortune 500 trainer to phone sex operator. She is a part-time citizen journalist and a full-time adventurer, and wants to use all her experiences as fodder for future blog entries. She blogs at http://adaya36.livejournal.
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