Does the new Facebook app, Bang With Friends, fill a need? Or does it just enable sexual cowardice?
In my inbox today there’s a message from “Pimpin” with the subject line “It’s bangin’ time!” I open it, “Hey there, sexy! You’ve got a bangin’ match! Your friend wants to bump uglies with you!” Would you look at that, it’s exactly the kind of secret admirer note I’ve always wanted!
I’m experimenting with a new Facebook application, Bang With Friends, that purports to help me capitalize on all the extra-curricular casual sex I could be having by discreetly identifying my friends who are equally down to…get down. When I sign in, I’m presented with a massive matrix of my Facebook contacts (male and female, unless I select otherwise), and I’m instructed to mark my would-be partners by clicking a big pink “Down to bang!” button under each picture. I’ve recruited a friend to help me test the system, so I click his bang button and wait. Several miles away, prompted by my anxious text, he does the same to my picture. A few minutes later, “Pimpin” emails us to tell us there’s some available sex to be had, if only we’re brave enough to claim it.
Here’s what I learned during my brief foray into the Bang With Friends experience: I don’t want to sleep with any of these people.
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Every startup’s goal is to find a gap between what we have and what we want so they can build the product or service that magically bridges it and then convince us that we need it. As they’re scrambling for funds and pitching to investors, founders are asked over and over again, “What problem are you solving?” For Bang With Friends, the “problem” they’re working to “solve” is the awkwardness of kicking off a casual, friends-with-benefits relationship. Wouldn’t it be nifty if you could secretly share your bangable dream list without having to have to put yourself out there and risk rejection or disappointment? Enter Bang With Friends!
Imagine you want to be having more sex then you are currently having. If you’re in a relationship you should probably discuss that with your partner, but what if you’re single? Your choices are to find a relationship (and the online dating market is pretty well cornered at this point), or try to find some casual, satisfying, no strings attached booty call action. There’s the bar scene, where you can drink and dance and cross your fingers that someone else is looking to give what you’re looking to get, there’s the skeevy side of the Internet, Craig’s List, Adult Friend Finder, and the like, or there’s the good old-fashioned friend with benefits. But how do you find an FWB if one hasn’t fallen, literally, into your lap by now? Bang With Friends claims to have the answer.
Here’s the problem: After scanning the Rolodex of acquaintances that Bang With Friends put forth for me to peruse, I don’t want to bang any of them. For the most part, they are either a) in different zip codes, b) in substantially different age brackets, c) gay, d) in relationships, e) dating or formerly dated my friends, or f) been there, done that. Even the whittled down short-list of straight, single, age-appropriate, geographically relevant men is not appealing and I’ll tell you why: They’re my friends.
In my experience, successful friends with benefits gigs have always started with the benefits, not the friends. You meet at a party through mutual friends, go home together, have a good time, and then decide to keep that card in your back pocket for future use. You booty call each other a few times and eventually decide you are both legitimately cool. You become “friends.” Probably not best friends, not life-long buds, not stand-up-in-each-other’s-wedding kind of soulmates, but friends enough that you know the rudimentary facts of each other’s lives, you ask after jobs and roommates, you occasionally talk pop culture or politics before or after you get down to business. You might invite each other to your birthday parties. You might swap books. What started with some benefits becomes benefits-with-friendship. Maybe we should call it a BWF instead.
I’ve never successfully gone the other direction, taking an existing friendship and adding the benefits, which is why I’m giving Bang With Friends a heavy dose of side-eyed skepticism. Either you’re so into it you want to risk the friendship (or even just risk awkwardness at all future gatherings where you bump into each other and avoid eye contact) that it’s worth saying something up front, or it’s not worth it. This discreet pas-de-deux that the app facilitates is just a certain of kind of sexual cowardice. I won’t tell you I’m into you unless I know you’re into me too! Tee hee! What is this, fifth grade? Do we need our best friends to huddle in the corner of the dance and compare notes before reporting back?
*****
A few years ago, after I wrote a blog post about my thunder thighs, an anonymous acquaintance left a comment praising both my legs and my attitude. I was riding high all week on his kind words, and I was also dying to know which classmate had slipped me the virtual equivalent of a secret valentine. I never found out. While there’s something vaguely nostalgic and thrilling about a secret admirer, I’m not interested in playing guessing games about who’s into what I’ve got going on, and who’s not.
I’m sure there are some folks who find this kind of guessing game thrilling. If it sounds like fun to browse your Facebook friends (cousins, former basketball coaches, little brother’s friends included) and imagine having sex with them while staring down a “bang?” button, be my guest. As for me, if I wanted to bang you, you would know by now.
Emily Heist Moss is a New Englander in love with Chicago, where she works in a tech start-up. She blogs every day about gender, media, politics and sex at Rosie Says, and has been published at Jezebel, The Frisky, The Huffington Post and The Good Men Project. Find her on Facebook and Twitter.
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