Why does the person who caused my pain have any place at the finish line of the emotional work I was forced to do because of their offense? I reject the idea that in order to be emotionally healthy and free, I have to forgive people who have deeply wounded me. It is important to […]
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” After my mother died I was angry. I was 14 and all I wanted was to be normal. Having a mother with cancer was not normal. Having a mother die was not normal. She died over the summer, just a few weeks […]
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck My 6th grade music teacher decided that, for the school Christmas program that year, our class would be doing a musical […]
My wish is that he will grow into a man who gives sincere apologies, not preemptive “sorries” to avoid consequences for bad behavior. We are lousy apologizers. Many of us are guilty of throwing around a “sorry” not as a demonstration of contrition, but as a way to justify bad behavior. Just the other day […]
In a culture that stigmatizes those who refuse to forgive, the added stress can lead to poorer health and slower recovery. When I say that I am against forgiveness, I am not judging individuals who choose to forgive. If doing so helps you, then by all means, forgive. What I abhor is a culture that […]
Understanding the significance of my father’s childhood has helped me understand my father, and untangle our complicated relationship. My father is the child of Holocaust survivors. It’s strange for me to type those words because that was never how my father described his parents. His parents never discussed the Holocaust or the war. When he […]
Biological coincidence is no basis for lifelong relationships. My father died when I was 24 years old; my mother followed four years after. My mom’s death, in particular, left me emotionally unanchored. I had not yet started my own family and my messy, complicated relationship with her had been my center. As the youngest of […]
Her happily ever after took her on a journey away from me, and even though I don’t entirely understand that choice, I don’t condemn her for it. It’s a defining event in my life; I am who I am—strong, resilient, a survivor—because of it. When I was in eighth grade, my mother and I were […]
Is our mass desensitization to domestic and sexual violence in sports the new normal? “You know what’s interesting?” my cousin asks over a basket of nachos at our favorite Mexican restaurant. “What?” “I’ve been thinking about all the athletes accused of domestic violence,” he says. It’s September 2014 and the second Ray Rice video—the one of […]
I was so irrevocably jostled by motherhood that in the grips of a hysterical episode in my son’s third month, my husband and I questioned whether we’d made the right choice to have a child. We mothers are always joking about the funds we’ll need to save for our children’s future therapy due to our […]
In many ways, my mother’s failure to protect me was much worse than my brother raping me. Trigger warning for rape. In a lifetime of moments, most are quickly forgotten. Only a tiny number are retained, and most of these are filed away in our mind, reminiscences that can be pulled out or put away […]
I loved her, but not through my actions. And when all was said and done, I had proved nothing but my ability to nurse a grudge. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about an old friend who died suddenly a few years ago. We had each turned 30 the year she passed away from a […]
