Culture + Politics

How Modesty Hurts Men, Too

By Sierra

March 26, 2012

This originally appeared at No Longer Quivering. Republished here with permission. (We republished Part I of this piece here.)

I’ve written a few times about how the modesty doctrine hurts women. Now it’s time to switch lenses. The modesty doctrine also wreaks havoc on the minds of young men in the Christian patriarchy movement. Here’s how:

It teaches men to be afraid of women because their sexual power is too great to be resisted.
It teaches men to despise women and hampers their relationships.
It teaches men to be afraid of their own bodies.
It teaches men to control and criticize women in order to protect themselves.
It teaches men to be paranoid about their sexual orientation.
It teaches gay men that they don’t exist.

(There are probably more consequences of which I’m not aware, so my male readers will have to help me fill in the blanks!)

Before we go any further, a definition. The “modesty doctrine” is the belief that women need to cover their bodies to prevent men from being attracted to them, because sexual attraction leads to sin and death for both. The modesty doctrine is not the same as wearing conservative clothing. You can do the latter without believing the former. It is the belief, the mindset of the modesty doctrine that is so harmful. Not the clothes.

1. The modesty doctrine teaches men that they are constantly under assault. Advertising images of sexy women in skimpy clothing feel like clouds of fiery missiles hurtling into their brains. They have to avert their eyes everywhere they go just to avoid the images, and on top of that there are actual women wearing skimpy outfits. They feel like they can’t get away from sexual stimuli. When you’re taught that merely seeing something can defile you, guarding your eyes from “evil” becomes your eternal chore.

For boys going through puberty, this is especially painful. They can’t participate in mainstream culture (if they’re allowed to in the first place) because the music, television, and movie industries bombard them with sexual images. The solution, according to fundamentalist preachers, is to “change the culture” by telling women to cover up. But this is disingenuous. Once you’ve planted the idea that feeling attracted to a woman is sinful lust, you can’t walk away that easily. Women who already do dress “modestly” are the next targets. Are they drawing attention to themselves with fashionable jewelry or luxurious hair? They should cover up and wear plainer clothing. Young men at Message youth camps would complain if a girl had on sandals or nail polish because her feet and hands were too attractive. Were they just trying to be mean? Some might have been, but not others. Many of them were just hypersensitive to the opposite sex (you know, like almost all teenagers) and very, very afraid of falling prey to lust.

Men who are raised with the modesty doctrine learn that everything women wear is directed at them. When an “immodest” woman walks by, it feels like both a test and an assault. My best friend from church got a job at Wal-Mart when he was 17, and he complained to me endlessly about how women at his workplace would tease and flirt with him. I was treated to a detailed account of how one of the women (also a teenager) stood behind him and ran her fingers across his lower back. He went stiff as a board and tried to brush her off as politely as he could. Perplexed, she asked whether he might be gay. He related this story in helpless frustration. He couldn’t figure out how to avoid female attention without acting like a jerk, and his co-workers couldn’t understand how a heterosexual man could want to avoid female attention. He felt like he was hemmed in by demons and armed with a toothpick.

2. Young men can react to this pressure by learning to despise women. Even as they are being taught not to look at women’s bodies, they are being taught to look at women as bodies. They are encouraged to speak hatefully about the scantily-clad models on magazine covers and billboards. Pastors scream about filthy harlots from the pulpit. The specter of Jezebel is raised and crucified once again. In Message circles, young men grow up hearing Branham’s crackling voice crying that “immoral women” are lower than dogs and livestock. This translates easily to hating girls who just happen to wander into their sight “immodestly” dressed. My male friends used to vent their frustrations by mocking “fat” girls who wore shorts, because “no one wants to see that.” It didn’t occur to them that it would be hurtful to me, a thin girl, to see them dehumanize other girls. Now, as I look back, it strikes me that they really believed that women only wore skimpy clothing to attract them. Everything women wore was directed at them, personally, because they were men.

Walking down the street for them must have been like fending off endless trays of hors d’oeuvres at a party. Only the hors d’oeuvres were poisoned, so it was urgent that they turn down each offer, graciously if they could, but most of all firmly. Every woman who walked by was offering, inviting, enticing them to sin. If their bodies responded, they were in peril for their lives. The “fat” girls were easy targets for these boys. Although they were still “offering” (by not dressing “modestly”), they were like sardines on a platter: Lacking allure, they were easy to turn down and laugh about afterwards. Finally, the idea of being friends with such a girl or listening to what she had to say became ludicrous. She had already said everything she could possibly want to say to a guy when she put on a pair of shorts.

(I won’t go into detail about the horrible ramifications of teaching young men that women are constantly offering themselves for sex just by being visible. But I’m sure you can imagine what I might say about that.)

3. The modesty doctrine teaches men that the worst possible danger lies between their own legs. They are taught to fear their bodies and natural urges. There is no such thing as an innocent sexual thought for an unmarried Christian man. There is most definitely no masturbation. When a guy actually courts a girl, he must walk the impossible line of learning to love her without wanting to kiss or touch her at all. Courtships and engagements can be blindingly short for this reason, but what happens afterward? A man who has been taught to avoid feeling attracted to all women, including his fiancée, now suddenly has to be passionately attracted to his wife and able to perform. This sounds like a recipe for a lot of false starts, fears, and failures of communication.

4. The modesty doctrine does not give men any tools to deal with unwanted sexual attraction. It only tells them not to feel something they can’t help, and then tells them that they could go to hell for it. They do not learn to take a beat and let it pass, to move on and forget about it, to live their lives with the security of knowing that they are in charge of what they do. They literally believe that they can be moved to animalistic rape by the curve of a woman’s knee.

Evangelical Christian culture teaches men that being faithful to their wives is an incredible challenge. Evil women are lurking everywhere, waiting to pounce and drag them into their dens of sin. Women’s sexual power is so overwhelming that, at any moment, they could topple into the devil’s pit. Worse yet, there’s nothing they can do to prevent it other than pray and avert their eyes. No wonder they feel helpless. No wonder they’re afraid.

It is this perpetual peril that drives evangelical men to ridiculous lengths to rid their world of sexual stimuli. The only way to prevent the inevitable (adultery or fornication) is to keep women under wraps (literally). Men become micro-managers of their wives’ and daughters’ clothing. My pastor once chastised his 11-year-old daughter for wearing her sweatshirt off her shoulders (with a t-shirt underneath). “Either take that off or put it on,” he ordered sternly, warning her that boys might see the sweatshirt and think about her taking all her clothes off. I was mystified that this had even entered his mind. Because the Christian patriarchy movement invests men with such significant power, their fears take precedence as the laws of the home. Because it’s impossible for a man to fully protect himself, the job falls to all the women around him to make sure he doesn’t turn into a sex-crazed werewolf.

5. The modesty doctrine gives men contradictory messages about masculinity. The doctrine teaches them that they need to protect themselves from sin by avoiding feeling attracted to women. American culture, on the other hand, tells them that the only way to prove that they are masculine is to be interested in sex with women (along with violence, beer, and mechanical things). Christian boys feel like sitting ducks for abuse from their peers, who assume that they are gay because they avoid participating in the rituals of adolescent sexuality (like flipping through smutty magazines and checking out the cheerleaders). Since conservative evangelical groups consider being gay an even worse sin than having the hots for a girl, these boys are trapped between a rock and a hard place. They are terrified that gay boys will be attracted to them, and terrified to be attracted to girls.

My teenage best friend was constantly trying to assert his heterosexuality. Not only could he not date (taking away the “I have a girlfriend” excuse), he couldn’t spend time alone with female friends, return the playful glances of his coworkers, or have a crush on a movie star. He therefore plunged headlong into identifying as a “nerd” whose intellect left no time for girls. The truth was that his family had forbidden him to court until he finished college. While in college, perceiving visual assaults on all sides, he locked himself in his room for almost the entirety of a six-week study abroad program in France. The reason? There were girls there, drinking.

6. Finally, the modesty doctrine erases gay and lesbian people entirely. The idea of being gay is just a terrifying specter for straight boys in this culture; actually being gay is frightening to admit, even to themselves. There is literally no code of behavior for them other than to “repent” of their “sin.” I’m not sure which one is worse: being told that you’re an abomination or being told that you don’t exist. In either case, gay boys are receiving signals that they aren’t men, because “real” men need to wrestle with their attraction to women and suppress it constantly. “Every Man’s Battle” is the revealing name of an evangelical anti-pornography initiative. For gay men, there is an entirely different war going on. Theirs is a lonelier battle.

What do I make of all this?

It’s a lot of needless suffering for both men and women. Sexual attraction is a biological norm. It happens, whether you’re young or old, gay or straight, in a relationship or not. It lasts for a second and you get on with your life. But by pairing those fleeting moments of appreciation for a face on a billboard or a stranger’s lean legs with sinful lust, evangelical Christians have created an impossible bind for men and a culture of hostility for women. Living outside of this culture now, I can tell the difference between attraction (when a man smiles at me across the street or pays me a compliment) and lust (when a man follows me with his eyes fixed somewhere below my shoulders, or says something vulgar). What you do with sexual attraction is what makes you moral or immoral. If you accept the lie that you can’t control yourself and use your sexual attraction to control or intimidate others, then you are indeed enslaved to your own lust and a danger to people. If you recognize, however, that you are always in control of your own actions and that you can choose not to act on sexual attraction, you can protect yourself and others. Self-control and respect for others are the lessons we should teach boys (and girls). We should not teach them to fear their bodies, feel attacked by the mere sight of attractive strangers, or despise the people they find attractive.

These are the things I’ve discovered through growing up with mostly male friends (an odd circumstance that got me punished in various ways in my fundamentalist church). I have also learned a lot from men who weren’t raised this way, who are used to living their lives without worrying about feeling attracted to strangers, or sexy pictures, or movie stars. I can’t pretend to know all the details of either experience, but I do remember the agony in the voices of my friends who were tired of fighting the modesty battle all the time. I remember their frustration and anger when girls flirted with them, and they were powerless. I remember how much they resented being called gay, and how they assumed stances of superiority to fend off the hurt of being falsely identified with a group they were taught to fear and hate. I can hardly imagine the frustration of actually being gay in this environment and being told weekly that you are an abomination in the eyes of God. All this heartache could have been avoided by adopting a normal approach to sexuality.

If I could do anything to soften the blows of the modesty doctrine, I would tell young boys, “There is nothing wrong with you. It’s normal to feel attracted to people. You can want to eat nothing but chocolate cake all the time, but you know that wouldn’t be good for you. You also have the power not to have sex until you know it will be good for you. Your body belongs to you, and you decide what it does. This is your freedom and your responsibility, not anyone else’s.”

The modesty doctrine is a game that no one ever wins. It perpetuates fear and contempt in men. It oppresses women. It needs to stop.

Sierra is a PhD student living in the Midwest. She was raised in a “Message of the Hour” congregation that followed the ministry of William Branham. She left the Message in 2006 and is the author of the blog The Unspoken Words: A Non-Prophet Message.

« Back

Font Size:

LibroBallante
05/16/12 at 11:56 AM #
Thank you for writing this. This was something that used to tear me up inside as a teen, and the smarting of it is still fresh in some ways. I really did use to feel as though I’d transgressed if I was attracted to anyone; my first sex dreams (of anyone other than the one, long-term crush crush I “allowed” myself) were gut-wrenchingly guilt-inducing experiences.
Being now rather sex-positive, it’s a little scary how internalized this stuff was for me, and in what way it lingers.
AnarchoRationalist
03/28/12 at 04:17 PM #
Reading this, I get the impression that you are blaming a doctrine for what are very reasonable personal preferences towards modesty.

I wasn’t raised with any modesty doctrine, I was raised by atheists. My father was a left-libertarian, and my mother was a liberal feminist.

Nonetheless, growing up in the popular culture of my time and place, I developed a natural tendency towards modesty, simply as a survival mechanism against that the compulsive ego-gratification that I see in the media, and in the public at large.

For these natural tendency I have been ridiculed and marginalized. For being honest with myself I am wrong. For holding values incompatible with the mainstream, I am wrong. I’ve endured ridicule, marginalization, sexual humiliation, ritual shaming, sexual molestation, all for trying to live my own life according to my own values, and never asking anyone to compromise on their own contradictory morals.

Honestly, we’re the minority, and yes, it is extremely painful to go through life feeling assaulted by the people and images around us. For you to tell us that OUR values need to change, to accommodate your needs, and your values? It feels like another slap in the face. Just another slap in the face.

But we’re used to that feeling. We can abide it.
Hugh
03/27/12 at 10:19 AM #
Gates,

I can’t tell whether you are criticizing the premise of Sierra’s post on the grounds that the “modesty doctrine” as she details it isn’t in operation. If you truly believe that, you may not belong to the reality-based community. I apologize if I’m mischaracterizing your views, but I can’t shake the impression that you may be part of the problem when you say things like: “Inappropriate clothing is not a ‘trend’ or fashion statement. It is a technique used to draw attention to oneself and primarily the attractiveness of ones own body.”

The question of what constitutes “inappropriate” dress will determine what you think is immodest. However, your followup definition posits that intent is what constitutes inappropriateness (e.g. the intent to to provoke). Now, intent is a psychological function, and the only person who knows what someone intends to do or accomplish by their actions is that person herself. Furthermore, what one person might wear with the intent to provoke another might wear without caring one bit about how it might enhance her attractiveness. Logically, your view entails that what counts as inappropriate dress (and therefore immodesty) is relative in the most radical way possible – i.e. dependent on individual psychology. I’m sure that is not what you actually think, but it is what your claims commit you to thinking.

Even if many won’t admit it, one’s reactions to seeing a person they find attractive are their own. However, to claim that one’s egodystonic sexual feelings are “evidence” of provocation is obviously insane troll logic. But, through the power of projection, a conservative Christian man’s guilt over liking boobs can become a woman’s pride and immodesty, conveniently transferring the guilt he feels to her. Since there’s no way for you to actually know what a woman’s intent is just by looking at her, the proposal that her “pride” is to blame for “others [sic] stumbling” is the barest of fig leaves covering male privilege’s (undoubtedly aroused) naughty bits.

There’s no way to escape this assessment. By tying appropriateness to intent, you destroy its objectivity either by making it a matter of pure opinion or by presuming to “know” that a woman intended to provoke you if whatever she’s wearing happens to make you think of sex. Trying to shift the debate to the woman’s intentions is, however, hardly surprising. It’s merely part of a larger pattern one observes when the norm of male privilege is in operation: peculiar redistributions of guilt and blame, all directed away from (straight) men. You can see this anytime someone proposes that a woman’s rape was precipitated by her own actions. Domestic violence? Why did she stay with the guy for ten years? Brandon McInerny? Being told “love you baby” by a boy in high-heels (in response to you bullying him) would make anyone go into a blind rage (lasting at least a day or two) and then shoot the boy in the back of the head. The gay panic defense is just one of the more abhorrent ways that male privilege minimizes the inconveniences men might have to suffer by taking responsibility for their own actions.

It is hardly any surprise that men growing up with our cultural protocols might learn to “control and criticize women in order to protect themselves,” as Sierra puts it. Case in point: according to you, Sierra’s “problem” with modesty is probably that she is (reading between the lines) a whore. Really, there aren’t any alternative interpretations of “use your body as a tool,” considering that “prostituting oneself” in its broadest meaning is equivalent to “allowing the instrumental use of one’s body.”

In any case, a careful reading of the first few paragraphs makes it quite clear that Sierra does not have “problems” with modesty: “The modesty doctrine is not the same as wearing conservative clothing. You can do the latter without believing the former.” She stipulates quite obviously – even uses bold text – that she takes issue with the doctrine that women “must” dress modestly to avoid inconveniencing men with even the slightest “temptation.”

Her six numbered observations are logical evaluations of the social and psychological effects that doctrine has, both on those who accept it and those who are otherwise affected by it. You know, women and men (gay or straight) who wish their peers wouldn’t sublimate the completely harmless attractions they feel for various girls into constant bullying themed on charming terms like “gay,” “fag,” “gayfag,” “queermo,” and my personal favorite, the classy-yet-understated “dickbreath.”

Despite all your insistence that modesty doesn’t contribute to oppression, that it doesn’t involve fearing bodies, and that it isn’t about judging those who don’t follow it, there is crystal clear, incontrovertible evidence that many conservative evangelicals do all of those things because of their beliefs about it. Your post’s performative language, which upholds male privilege and the doctrine of modesty, speaks far more clearly on the matter than you (consciously) do.
Diane
03/27/12 at 09:58 AM #
Not all cultures see sex as a sin. the long-winded Christian celebration above, that ends in a creepy $50 gift at the clothing store is interesting, but the perspective is so narrow. And so oriented towards controlling women. Would you tell your husband that you don’t want him wearing a tight t-short that shows of his pecs or his bulging belly?
FatherOf4
03/27/12 at 05:39 AM #
Gates – do you have any reference for your claim “Modesty in the bible is simply a calling for both sexes to abstain from using their bodies as a sexual artwork. It’s main purpose is to stop the pride that causes immodesty.”? I haven’t found one instance in example or instruction where clothing is used to curtail lust
Caleb
03/26/12 at 06:41 PM #
Can an ultra-modest mindset be enslaving and create more issues than it attempts to fix? Yes. But let’s not go the opposite extreme and imply ridiculous solutions. E.g., “The modesty doctrine teaches men that they are constantly under assault.” The proposed solution? “I would tell young boys, ‘There is nothing wrong with you. It’s normal to feel attracted to people.’”

Worldview: There is something wrong with us, and it’s called our sinful nature. Should we be fearful? No, we are freed through Christ and sanctified through him. We are not freed through intellectualism.

“Your body belongs to you, and you decide what it does. This is your freedom and your responsibility, not anyone else’s.”

God’s Truth replies, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Cor 6:19
PWink
03/26/12 at 01:33 PM #
I’ve got a testimony about Jesus. I’m a new creation in the Lord. I was however not raised in a Christian home and I wasn’t taught that sex was bad. On the contrary, everything I heard and watched told me that it was completely normal to dress immodestly and to have sex with boys even at a young age. Now I’m 22 I’ve been saved for 4 years and married to a man (for 1 1/2 years) that never had sexual relations before I came along, he was raised in a christian home. Right after I was born again God was working in me to make a change my clothing and to change the way I acted toward boys. (NOT for salvation: I was already saved, but He is perfecting me in Christ Jesus.)

More recently though, I’ve had a baby and naturally my boobs have gotten a lot bigger- so that most of my shirts get pulled down by them. My husband- when we were out in public- would say “Check yourself- you look great but I want to be the only one who sees you looking this great.”

After so many “Check yourselfs” I started to get really annoyed because.. it was really annoying. And we’d get in so many fights, it got pretty bad. We also, don’t have a ton of money so the idea of going out to get me a new wardrobe seemed ridiculous. I just thought “I’ll just continually ‘check myself’ to make sure that my cleavage isnt showing.” I don’t want to be lusted after anyway, and if it makes my husband and myself more comfortable I’m more than willing to do this.

But like I said it was really annoying being told all the time to check myself. I really still get annoyed when I think about those words. Any way like two Fridays ago, we got into another argument, and I said “Okay look, we’re going to need to go buy me new shirts- we can’t keep arguing like this all the time.” My husband agreed.

So we went to a thrift store, and I was looking in the shirt section. It is fairly difficult to find shirts that you like, tat you’ll feel comfortable in, that you won’t have to ‘check’, and that are your size, I’ll just say. About half way through my search a guy who worked at the thrift store came over to me and said “Hey, someone in the store wants to buy you up to $50.00 of whatever you want.” I said,“Ummm, is that my husband?” He said, “no” I looked confused for a second and he said, “It’s just the Lord blessing you! Receive it!” and he walked away. Needless to say I strongly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and I felt so loved by God, i started to weep. We never found out who it was that did that, they had wanted to stay anonymous. My husband and I were in awe of God’s kindness.

So, yeah I think that the Lord is pleased when we dress modestly. It is in the scriptures. And I, who have His Spirit in me, feel more comfortable being around guys (believer or not) when I’m not revealing my chest.

I will add, that it isn’t a sin to see someone and think they are attractive. And Christians who are afraid of falling into temptation probably don’t know the freedom they have in Christ. (and by that I DO NOT mean that we have a freedom to sin, but I do mean that we freedom from being overcome by that sin, we have power and strength in the Holy Ghost.)

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

I have such a deep love for my husband for caring about me enough to lovingly continue to point me toward modesty. Not at all in a legalistic manner, but in love. Thank you Lord.

Well, thats my thoughts- take it or leave it.
Gates
03/26/12 at 01:30 PM #
This is an extremely biased look at doctrine, it beginswith a wordly view at the current problems in Christian society. These problems has arisen from a perversion of modesty, not as a result of doctrine. Modesty in the bible is simply a calling for both sexes to abstain from using their bodies as a sexual artwork. It’s main purpose is to stop the pride that causes immodesty. Inappropriate clothing is not a ‘trend’ or fashion statement. It is a technique used to draw attention to oneself and primarily the attractiveness of ones own body. This is pride and results mostly in others stumbling. Modesty does not call for others to judge the immodest and is not intended to oppress anyone. It just calls for both men and women to examine the motives behind the way they present themselves. If its fleshly than its probably immodest. Society seems to have bought into this belief that sex appeal is power and because of that we have articles like this. Modesty is not about fearing your body or anyone else’s, it doesn’t condemn anyone and it certainly never claims the only way to prevent fornication is to ‘wrap up women’. If you have a problem with modesty it is probably because you feel like you have to use your body as a tool. Sadly, that’s what our society has come to.
Role Reboot
03/26/12 at 01:00 PM #
Hey there, Hannah. It’s located at the top of this article, but here it is again for you: http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2012-03-how-modesty-made-me-fat
Hannah
03/26/12 at 12:56 PM #
Is there a link to the one about how it hurts women?
@laurendubinsky
03/26/12 at 12:42 PM #
THANK YOU for writing this.