No one needed or desired these products to be more sex-specific.
If I had a dollar for every time I wished they made earplugs just for women, I’d still have only 78 cents for every dollar earned by men. And yet! The marketing world never sleeps and R&D has a job to do, so lady earplugs are a reality. As are a whole range of other genderized products no one ever asked for or needed. And so we present, for your reading pleasure, 10 of the most useless products “for him” and “for her.”
1) Pink Guns and Lady Gun Accessories
You love shooting to kill but hate the way blue steel butches up your outfit. No worries! There’s actually a bustling cottage industry built on manufacturing the lady guns you want, which obviously come in pink and lavender and “Tiffany blue.” How will you carry all that adorable firepower? Well, there are a handful of retailers that sell accessories for your pretty pistols, from gun holster bras to conceal-carry purses. One company even makes pink bullets (here’s a video of them being manufactured), sales of which they claim help support finding a cure for breast cancer. Because what better way to help save a life than by shooting something to death?
2) Candles for Him, or Mandles
You know how regular candles are like tiny beacons of light, illuminating your shortcomings as a man? Man candles, or mandles, are the opposite of that. Burning them around the house will cause you to spontaneously grow a second nutsack so manly it will fight your old nutsack just for hanging around on its turf. Mandles come in scents like “Black Leather Jacket” and “Hickory Smoked Bacon.” The “Fart” mandle, which the product description reassures us “smells like a FART” is, sadly, out of stock.
3) Bounce Dryer Sheets for Men
We all know the worst thing about regular dryer sheets is that they make you smell like you have ovaries and daddy issues. With Bounce’s dryer sheets for men, you can instead smell like sports and unearned confidence. They’re still totally toxic, but at least they’re not, you know, feminine.
4) Men’s Clothes Hangers
It’s always been difficult for men to use lady hangers, seeing as they’re made of chamomile tea and tampons, which instantly collapse into tears when you try to hang your manliest clothes on them. Luckily, Unbar has developed a hanger made out of industrial-grade reinforced steel, which means it can also be used as a weapon to kill any man who calls your masculinity into question. The Man Hanger—which is its actual name because who needs subtlety—retails for $25 a pop. Jacket with the word “Douchebag” emblazoned across the back sold separately.
5) Pink and Flower-Covered Tools for Women
Sometimes, something breaks around the kitchen and no man is around to repair it, so women are forced to try and fix it themselves. These pink and flower-covered tools give them something pretty to look at while they inevitably make the problem worse. From tape measures decorated with peonies to cotton candy-colored power tools with “Little Pink Drill” inscribed in girly cursive, these are perfect for the aspiring—and obviously, totally deluded—handywoman in your life.
6) Kleenex for Men
It’s the most common complaint in America: “Tissues only come in sizes chicks can use!” Meanwhile, men in the UK have had it easy for at least the last 50 years, because Kleenex has been making “mansize” tissues there the whole time. (Here’s a real ad for them from way back in 1964.) The good news is Amazon will deliver them to your door no matter what country you live in. The bad news is, we all know what you’re using using them for. Just make sure to wipe down your keyboard with your “mansize” tissues when you’re done.
7) LEGOs for Girls
Not to be confused with those awesome Lego female mini-figurines, which depict lady Lego people in various STEM-related professions, like scientists, doctors, and astronauts. Instead, Legos for girls are just the classic plastic blocks reconfigured into girly things. There’s a princess castle, pretty purple ponies and—the pièce de résistance—a romantic Valentine’s Day restaurant setting you’re supposed to send your Lego figurines to on a date. It actually comes with a tiny golden engagement ring, because it’s never too soon for little girls to start worrying about spinsterhood.
8) Pens for Women
Ladies, our long national nightmare of having to write with men’s pens is finally over, thanks to Bic, which introduced its “Cristal for Her” line back in 2012. You can tell these pens are for women because they’re made in the pastel colors we love and they cost double what normal man pens cost. (See Ellen Degeneres’s bit on how stupid this whole thing is.) There are thousands of Amazon reviews of Cristal for Her, each one a little ingot of comedy gold, like the customer who notes that “not surprisingly, these pens cannot be used to do math problems more complicated than 5th grade level.” Another woman laments, “I was so tirwd of writimg with penz meant for men and ﬁnall7 someone made thi5 proct8… damm!t!! This stupid keybrd is clearly$ made 4 guys I can”t work the ke7s rught.…”
9) Lady Earplugs
Until now, earplugs were made for two kinds of people: men and giantesses. Now it looks like the rest of us will finally get some peace and quiet. These earplugs are not only pink (because how the hell else would our undersized lady brains know they’re for women?), but they also claim to be “cute,” and “silky soft,” although I’m pretty sure they already had us all at “cute.”
10) Laxatives for Women
Unlike regular man laxatives, these lady laxatives presumably make your poop smell even more like roses.
Kali Holloway is a regular contributor to Alternet.
This originally appeared on Alternet. Republished here with permission.