This was originally published in two parts at ShrinkTalk.net. Here’s part 1, and here’s part 2. Republished here with permission.
They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.
Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?
As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?
The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000′s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly. (I would link to the article on Globe.com, but it’s stuck behind a paywall.) The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:
“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband—who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.
Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”
Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.
“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.
In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.
Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong—not once, but three times—with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go—and yes, of course many of them will be simple hellos and goodbyes—casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married: Do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?
Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that question, and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the “wrong” choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, a psychiatrist can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.
Update, written seven months after the above was published:
When you use WordPress to power your website, there is a feature that allows you to see search terms people have used to find your site. There has been of pattern of search terms related to what I wrote above. To wit:
Is reuniting with first loves dangerous
Should I reconnect with a lover from years ago
Saw my first for the first time in years
Meeting lost love after 35 years because of Facebook
Leaving husband for first love
Imprint of first love
“First love” attachment
Reuniting Love
Talking to my First Love on Facebook
Clearly, this phenomenon is impacting many people’s lives. And in addition to the hits on the article, I actually get a fair amount of emails asking for flat-out advice on whether or not a person should leave a marriage for a former love. It’s flattering to think that someone might consider my opinion on a life-altering decision, but this is problematic. Not because I don’t want to help, but because I simply don’t know the answer.
If you want to be able to consider/discuss this topic intelligently, the most important point to remember is that no one knows the answer (I’m looking at you, people who have emailed me with “the answer”). The people who have this delusional hubris of “I know what to do!” are the extremists: the hardcore anti-divorce groups —or, to a lesser degree, those who think everyone simply suffers from the “grass is always greener” phenomenon—and those who believe that everyone should just “follow their hearts,” regardless of the consequences. For everyone else, it’s an extremely complicated and nuanced decision that can take months or perhaps years to decide. Children, finances, realistic/unrealistic expectations for the current relationship or possible new one, and impact on family/friends are just a few of the factors that people need to consider. Those who say otherwise are simply proselytizing and oversimplifying the problem. If you “know” the answer, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re not working with a complete understanding of how psychology works.
In many ways my original post on the topic is inadequate. It doesn’t give any real answers because the choice will vary from person to person. And like most, I’d love to have instant gratification, that ability to take a complex problem, crunch the numbers and pop out an answer that can be bottled for everyone’s consumption. Unfortunately, that’s not happening, and that inability to say “just do this…” is an extremely difficult aspect of my job to swallow.
If you’re one of the people who are looking for help with this problem, seek out people you can trust to give you guidance and balanced perceptions. Don’t struggle through this decision alone. And if you’re on the listening end of this conversation, do just that: listen. Save your knowledge and opinions until they are solicited. Judging and being officious isn’t helpful, it’s simply pushing your own personal agenda, especially when you can never really know what the best choice is for the person sitting in front of you.
Rob Dobrenski, Ph.D. is a licensed Psychologist and the author of the book “Crazy: Notes on and off the Couch.” Visit him at his website, ShrinkTalk.Net. He lives and works in New York City.
Related Links: