“Grief was like a seizure that shook me like a storm” – author Patricia Cornwell. When my mom began treatment for end-stage liver cancer, I knew the odds of her survival weren’t good. As she grew thinner and weaker, I employed a slightly twisted mind game to try to steel myself for the unthinkable. Okay, […]
Not all small talk is excruciating. Recently a friend stopped drinking for a month. Normally gregarious and sociable, she confided that her month without alcohol was fine, except, “I had no patience, none at all, for small talk.” Another friend just posted a fascinating article by David Roberts on Facebook (“Why Small Talk Is So […]
Sometimes we can answer the changes we have no control over with changes we make deliberately. I realized you could not have one without the other, that this great capacity to love and be happy can be experienced only with this great risk of having happiness taken from you—to tremble, always, on the edge of […]
When my father died, I grieved. When my mother died, I fell into a void. I’ve never felt more alone in the world than I have since she died. I want to talk about The Rolling Stones today. I want to talk about books or any damned thing that isn’t today. Fuck today. I didn’t […]
All these years after my father’s death, I’m still trying to figure out the nuances of the relationship I had with him, and what made him tick. It’s been six years since my father died. When he got sick with pneumonia in March 2009, we thought he would bounce back, even though the changes in […]
My father passed away three years ago, but remembering his secrets and the ones I shared with him keep me connected to him. Father’s Day is this Sunday, and I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot. He passed away a little over three years ago, so this is my family’s fourth Father’s Day without him. My […]
Just before my milk let down, I felt a wave of sadness swell from the pit of my stomach. It was a feeling I described to friends as wistfulness, even homesickness, a scooped-out, hollow feeling. A short, but powerful unmooring. Because my pregnancy had been hard, I decided I would only breastfeed my baby if […]
Mom: I realize now, that in order for me to see and know myself, I need to be able to see and know you. My aging father had finally put his foot down last April: “You need to get over here and clean out this attic.” Sitting there in the sweltering desert heat rifling through […]
I’m more my mother’s daughter than I’ve let myself believe since her death—I just needed for my daughter to show me. It’s close to 10pm, and I’m ignoring the article I need to finish writing and the dinner dishes Jenga-stacked next to the sink to stand at the kitchen counter and hot glue pieces of […]
