Anyone who might, due to the existence of gravity, be vulnerable to falling into shark-infested waters should take care not to be made of tasty meat.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new recommendations last week, advising women who are trying to get pregnant to abstain from drinking alcohol altogether in order to avoid fetal alcohol disorders. Frankly, that’s already pretty condescending—just because researchers have not yet identified a safe threshold for alcohol consumption during pregnancy, that does not mean that having a beer with dinner will poison your child and ruin their life—but the CDC took it further: They suggested that all women of fertile age give up drinking unless they’re on birth control, lest they risk an alcohol-exposed pregnancy.
On the heels of that recommendation, I have an inside source who has shared several other warnings the CDC plans to release in the near future:
All men of fertile age who have not had a vasectomy are advised to take a folic acid supplement, lest they risk chromosomal abnormalities in sperm that can lead to miscarriage.
All people who will one day be old enough to run for office should abstain from all use of social media, lest your developing campaign be exposed to the deleterious effects of the dumb shit you did in college.
Anyone who plans to go to sleep anytime in the near future should abstain from driving or operating heavy machinery. It’s not safe to drive while you’re asleep.
All people who might at some point require surgery should abstain from eating solid food, as surgical anesthesia can in rare circumstances cause vomiting.
All people who will one day experience increasing physical frailty as they age should refrain from activities that may eventually be dangerous for their atrophying bodies, such as contact sports, jogging, and going outside in the winter.
Any person who will at some point be out in the sun should put some SPF and a hat on, even if it’s nighttime.
Anyone who might, due to the existence of gravity, be vulnerable to falling into shark-infested waters should take care not to be made of tasty meat.
All people who could one day develop cancer should go ahead and get chemotherapy now, just to be on the safe side.
Everyone who plans at any future date to watch the movie Cloudburst should drink twice the recommended daily amount of water, as protection against crying-related dehydration.
Any woman currently menstruating should carry bear repellent while in the mountains, at the zoo, or taking her niece to Build-a-Bear.
Because it is unsafe for people with anemia, no one should ever, under any circumstances, donate blood.
Any person who has recently had vivid dreams of a tall, cloaked figure visiting them in the night, waking the next morning to find themselves tired and weak with suspicious marks in the neck region, should take the precaution of avoiding contact with crucifixes, garlic, and running water.
All people old enough to rent a car are advised to steer clear of the Budget rental in Fort Collins, because Cindy works there and she’s a soulless jerk who broke the CDC’s heart.
And if you’re a woman in a misogynistic, paternalistic society that refuses to value you as anything more than a potential incubator and treats you as though you are incapable of making medical decisions based on your own assessment of risks and benefits, you should definitely be taking some kind of blood pressure medication to decrease your chances of having your goddamn head explode.
Lindsay King-Miller is a queer writer who lives in Denver with her partner, an ever-growing collection of books, and a very spoiled cat. She is the author of Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls who Dig Girls (Plume 2016).
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